Careful With Your Own Heart

It's all hormonal work. Endorphin is the culprit that makes you feel bliss when with someone special. And when it's gone, your body goes desperate for a dose of it.

That I told this young guy I chatted with recently. You see, he and his boyfriend of 5 years just broke up. And the pain is unbearable so he desperately needs to find ways on how to numb it because he knows that any time he'll do something awful like humiliating himself by going to his ex and beg him to get back together. Or worse, he even has thoughts of hurting himself.

Yes, normally that shit happens. And yes, normally when you hear this kind of story, you want to run out of it because you can relate a lot and almost feel the memory of that excruciating feeling too.

But I know I had to endure his pain. So I kept talking to him, hoping that somehow I'll be able to distract him through some encouragements and flattery.

Yeah, I know. But I had to. I don't know... I guess I'm just gooey that way towards the underdogs.

I wasn't ready for such actually, because I myself just got stuck in an emotional setback. But later with that...

He said he's thankful that he chatted with me instead because he was already willing to go to bed with a guy he doesn't really like. He admitted to me that he's been whoring for a while now just to feel the littlest bit of that he's still wanted by someone. And then the expected... he cries after the fleeting euphoria of sex and going back to his reality.

So I told him, there's nothing to be ashamed of what he's doing. Many guys would do the same thing for way less than his reasons. But that also has to stop at some point because either he's inviting himself to get sick or he'll be hooked on the routine and become a sex addict.

He told me that he's feeling so regretful for having stayed in a relationship that long. And now he is swearing that he'll never want to feel in love again with anyone.

I said... it's normal to feel the way he does. Especially he's experiencing that kind of break up for the first time. But he shouldn't shut himself to the reality that he's inevitably going to fall in love again and again and again. And it's also just normal to fail in a relationship.

He got confused and a bit uncomfortable and told me he'd rather die than to be subjected to such ordeal again. So I told him the hard truth... that it's just how life is. And I can't guarantee him that it's gonna be better because I don't want to lie to him.

It will always hurt each time a relationship ends. But what he should learn is to allow himself to feel the pain and then separate from it slowly. It will be hard but once he learns how to do it, he'll then know how to find lessons from the failures... which is the most important after a breakup.

I also told him that by doing so, he'll be giving himself a better understanding of how relationships work. He'll be giving himself and the next guy a favor by being more intuitive and mature. Hopefully, the next relationship will be much better.

But the trick though is that the next time, he must not think of... "forever". It's not impossible maybe to a very few people. But just to be realistic, he must learn how to accept that he can only hold on to something when the other end continues to offer to reciprocate. That's what he has to learn to be sensitive of. For the good of both of them.

Let go when the other one is not holding on to the relationship anymore. Be fair to him and yourself.

I believe that letting go is an art and it can be learned by keeping track of your own emotional pace. And I think a truly good lover should always be aware of his own pacing. Going fast too soon... can be too much if the other end isn't ready yet. You'll also be putting yourself at risk of being disappointed.

Going too slow on making things happen might fizzle the connection. Of course there's always a honeymoon stage. But its expiration can be learned too. And if you still don't push the envelope to find out if there's anything more than just infatuation between you and him, you'll either turn into plain bored fuck buddies or you might feel being used because you've been waiting for the other to take his bet on your affair too... but he's not.

See, that could also be an indication for you.

Early on.

That should be good.

And it may mean that it's just that for him. End of the line.

It can be your opportunity to bring up the topic of whether you'll agree on just being sex friends... if you yourself are up to it... or it's time to end the affair. Before things turn ugly.

The kid somehow felt a bit of peace after our chat. I ended with some parting words... told him that he should look at the advantage of being a young gay guy in this country right now. It means that he's lucky somehow that he doesn't have the right to get married. Because one wrong move to tie the knot with someone who's never gonna work... it'll be difficult to undo because there's no divorce in this country either.

So I meant to say that each relationship failure is somewhat an opportunity to try again with another one. So take the advantage.

I hope he's doing fine now. He never messaged me again. Maybe I shared too much for his still very young understanding. I really hope nevertheless that he gets better soon.


As for me... well... I have been relearning the ropes myself.

See, I admit I've gotten rusty... since the last time I allowed this Daddyface to feel way too comfy with another soul was 5 years ago with my last Ex. I feel I did well after we broke up because I was able to condition myself to be rational. And I still believe that it was my best breakup. And after it, I began hoping that all future affairs will be dealt with that way.


So early last month, I met this beautiful guy. He's an artist, he's smart too and juggles several cool jobs. We got along so well and I admit it got me excited.

But give me a break guys... I haven't felt that way in a long time and... yes, I haven't had sex in over a year before we met. Of course I was also so horny all the time.

I felt like everything's new again.

Of course they were.

But I also felt the warning signs flashing prematurely and made me feel like an amateur.

If you were following this blog for years now, you may remember me sharing that I believe that no one can really claim to be an expert on matters of the heart. We learn lots of stuff in every relationship and affairs we had but with another person... everything will always be back to zero. Naturally, because you're dealing with a new and different person. There's no one sure way of going about it.

But like I said, I felt like I'm new in the game again. Much so because I've steered away from any intimate connection for so long. And the flashing warning signs made me realize that and they interfered with my control of my emotional pace with the guy.

At first I felt like I was in control. I tried to be patient because there was a lot going on. He had to take a week trip away then I had to take my own trips too. So obviously when we were together we got a bit excited of each other. More me actually. lol

There were a few stuff too... like he's not out and lives in his family's house. Normally, years ago, I'll just have sex with a hot guy like that and bid farewell. I never... and still don't feel anything good will happen to an affair with a guy who still has those basic issues.

But I decided I'll give it a shot. The guy's smile is quite addictive.

Then he had to take another trip for a week. And that's how I lost my pace and control of things. The whole time he was away, he never once got in touch. Not even a "hello" or smiley to make me feel that I still appear in mind once in a while.

Each day I got nothing from him, he kept occupying my thoughts. And I felt annoyed and insecure.

Why didn't he? Because even when I was the one away, I still managed to message him even for a bit because I miss him.

The warning signs got me to a point where I went as far as analyze the downward direction of our connection. I also tried to recall our talks, dates and sex.

Confirmed it.

He was as excited of me at first and then I quickly turned into the "guy you're just seeing for now until a better one comes along". He's literally the driver the times we went out... but between us, I was almost always the one behind the wheel.

His messages got shorter. He never called again the way he did in the beginning. I also messaged him more than he did.

He even told me he disabled his dating app and at first I felt flattered. I didn't verbalize it to him though. I really wanted to tell him that if he's doing it for me, he shouldn't really. And I'm not going to give him any pressure because I wanted us to still keep ourselves open in case we don't work out. I didn't say that too though. I felt so touched and a bit selfish I guess, and welcomed his gesture.

But I realized after a while that he actually just blocked me. Because if he disabled or erased his account, I'd still see it on my saved profiles with "Offline" indicated on it.

Again, if you're new to this blog... I'm not counting and comparing the "gives and takes". But I believe every person has to learn to be conscious about the meanings of compromises between two people to forecast the health condition of a relationship, be it as early as dating or years into a partnership or marriage.

We only had sex a couple of times really. But we were very sexual. However, I also noticed that I gave in more. Then again, I knew he's only had one same sex relationship to count and he admitted to not being so good at doing it with another guy. And me... I'm always a pleasure giver.

Still, you know that feeling that you like him more than he likes you?

It made me feel so insecure.

And I know I don't look as okay as I used to. I haven't exercised in a long time and I also get a bit down sometimes when I look in the mirror and see my dadbod. Here's also a confession that I admitted to him too... I'm already feeling my age sexually. When I turned 40, I've noticed that I've been getting premature ejaculations. And I got reminded of that the first time we had sex. I was trying my best not to cum too soon. Maybe I should've suspended that revelation to him for a while longer, it might have turned him off.

Working on a freelance basis makes me feel insecure sometimes as well. I've never been comfortable with a guy getting the check all the time on dates but I couldn't complain when he did because I'm living on a shoestring budget. And I was honest with him on that too.

But at the end of the day I know I'm more than just my physique and current financial status.

But then try to add a guy into that equation, it made me feel like I'm an undesirable unideal guy to be with. And I don't deserve to date anyone because I do not conform to the standards of society.

Yeah, the whole thing with him... I didn't expect that it'd affect me this way. I'm just being honest. And again, I admit that I've lost my touch on these sort of things.

And so... I gave in to my warning signs. I got scared of getting into something that's gonna make me depressed again for a long time.

I'm manic depressive just to explain myself to those who just started reading my blog. So I've always guarded myself after getting out of my long phase of dependence on relationships... that also failed miserably because I was in them for the wrong reasons.

He finally got back early last week and I woke up reading his cheerful greeting on my messenger. I had to take time to think of how I was going to reply. Although excitement was already bubbling up inside of me.

I thought I'll feel guilty if I snap at him and ruin his happy state. But I also felt like I had to make him feel that it isn't alright that he didn't keep in touch with me.

I also felt stupid because I know he's not my boyfriend. We were just dating.

And this charming guy... he never really led me to believe we're getting that close and serious. He never promised me anything. We haven't even gotten to that point when he'd share what he plans to do about his concealed identity.

And I should've known better because right at the beginning I already knew the clear complications. And I'm not in a hundred years gonna push him to come out if he doesn't want to.

Our "In" and "Out" status difference alone should've made it so easy for me to not expect anything at all from whatever's going on between us.

But no... I had to cross the line instead. And I had to tell him that I wasn't okay that he didn't keep in touch the whole week he was away so I replied to his happy "I'm back" message with...

"And I thought getting no message from you the whole time you were away was my cue that you don't feel like making contact anymore."

Yeah, sue me if you think I was being a drama queen. But would you think a guy is really on to you if you don't cross his mind at least for a few moments in a day? And I really felt that way. And I needed to know if I was right.

I had to know how he'd also react to my message so I waited. Then he simply replied that he was just so busy and stressed of hosting the coming home travel with his friends. I still felt his cheerfulness in his reply. And perhaps a bit of playful guilt feeling...

Then I made my situation more obvious and replied to him with just a...

"Hmm..."

His response was to laugh. I had to hold back myself because it was darn charming... I could easily imagine his smile.

So I decided to try and give him a piece of that silence too and see how he'd react. I planned to do it for a whole week but I couldn't. Days passed and no concerned confused inquiry from him arrived.

And so, by day 3 I decided to conclude the deal with him and send him a message. I told him about my realization of how I fare to him based on the track of our connection and how I feel about it. The message I sent didn't say maybe we should go see other people with similar intentions instead but it's there. I also said that I wasn't saying goodbye. I still want to be his friend if he also wants to.

At that same time, I realized that after many years of being comfortable in solitude, I'm now ready to be with someone again.

But that's just what's wrong about it. I was unaware that I was already expecting something too soon from what was happening between us. And he... well... he was just taking his time and enjoying our little private soireé.

His reply was like a splash of water to wake me up. He admitted that he realized he failed to keep in touch. Wasn't exactly an apology but could be his way of saying sorry. It also wasn't at all retaliatory or even angry. Maybe a bit annoyed? And if any, I just melted again for this jerk's charm. lol

He cited the same reasons he already gave in his first reply, then went on to explain that he got busy with work right away and thought I also got busy. He never expected that I really made a big deal of the issue. Further, he said he respects whatever decision I have but I shouldn't really overthink things.

Overthinking... hmm...
I don't think I can do that. Every fiber of my being is all about analysis. I am a breathing... walking... thinking and talking dialectical materialism.

But I agree on the realization his last message gave me. I broke my own rules. I acted like a crushing little school girl. We were just enjoying each other's company. Too soon to feel too attached.

It was supposed to be me who's gotta lay back and wait for signs from him in case he already wanted to move a little forward. Because he's supposed to be the juvenile in the gay dating world. If I did, it would've also given me insights... like if anything else is gonna happen or that's just all for us.

He didn't owe me anything. He didn't have to send the first message of the day or feel obliged to say hello to me if he didn't feel like it. He never has to explain to me if he prefers to keep his app by blocking me but telling me instead that he already erased it.

He doesn't owe me any explanation. If he feels more comfortable that way, he has all the right. I kept my app even when he told me he erased his. I guess part me wanted to still be realistic.

And whatever else he was doing... seeing another guy or again, whatever... there's nothing wrong with it. We weren't bound to any contract. And I had no right to demand anything from him. Last... he never had to say sorry for anything that he didn't feel wrong of.

Now, I am at this point of appreciating the memory of his own way of sharing himself to me in that brief time that we had.

I kept repeating some points on intimate engagements to others... be it here on this blog or personally... and I myself overlooked them.

But shit happens... like how I acted towards something that I had no claim on.

Shit.

Like I said, no one can claim to be an expert in the affairs of the heart.

Definitely not me.

And the reason I do this blog... is simply to share my own cautionary tale.

Pacing is important. Learning to do it well is a skill. I took a leap when I should've skipped. Not good.

And then I subjected myself to the discomfort of endorphin shortage and blamed the guy.

Lesson here is... be conscious of your own pace. Endorphin rush is great but if you allow it to overflow too soon... you can only blame yourself for blowing it.

Careful with what you do with your own heart... or should I say hormones.

Hello From DaddyFace

HELLO FROM DADDYFACE
3/21/2019


Oh hey… readers… reader… passerby… if there still are any people left visiting this ancient blog.

LOL

Well, I give you a big tight hug for staying... or still checking it from time to time.

And yep… you can now call me DaddyFace, which I nicknamed myself with.

So, yeah, I have just made a new entry in a loooooong time. We'll, because I felt the sudden urge to write here. Which has always been the case for this blog and the blog I had before it.

I’m not sure though if I’ll be doing this again on a regular basis.

We’ll see.

Anyway… it’s coz I’ve just seen the second season of ‘Daddy Hunt”. LOL
Yep… I know how long ago they upped IT so sue me. But anyways... after finishing the whole serial, the closing episode hit home obviously because it made me want to write this blog entry.

I also realized how I am not only able to relate to it, it dawned on me that I still considered myself young the first time I watched that webseries… or should I say… I was still in full denial of my parting ways with my youth. Hahah!

But I guess the difference… now… that I am forced to getting used being categorized as a Daddy, myself… is that I see that I‘ve dramatically crossed the line between being able to understand both main characters to feeling that “Daddy” Greg represents me as an audience in the series, now.

Oh, btw… I’m now 41.

The final scene in season 2 showed the opening up of the characters Greg and Ben on their fears, then their restart. Greg said the age difference is such a big issue to him after denying its real deal and not speaking openly about it at first with Ben... or perhaps everyone. He admitted to fearing that he’ll hurt Ben if it didn’t work out between them.

Of course his reason is obvious to the 20something Ben even without explanation. He knows deep in him that he’s still way too young to really learn how to take a broken relationship to even attempt to argue and prove Greg is wrong.

Sidetracking…
See, the problem of admitting that you’re still too young to understand where an older, more experienced and genuine guy is the case with most people.

And don’t deny it!

Because if you do… man, I’m sorry to tell you but… you’re still an adolescent. Hahah!

Going back…
Then, Ben takes charge of his own feelings… showing that he may be young but knows what he’s getting into.

The magic words that his argument is legit?

“I know there’s a risk of getting hurt. But that’s my risk to take. So if you’re not into me, that’s one thing… but if you aren’t and you walk away now, then you suck.”

See there, guys…
A younger guy in love with an older guy who hesitates to go further will most likely say... he knows what he’s getting into and the hurt risk too. And blah… blah… whatever…!

But the difference with a younger guy who really knows the situation because he thinks with his brain and not his heart-dick… is knowing the difference between being turned down because the older guy is admitting to not really being into him and… being turned down because of the fear of hurting.

Then Greg replies, admitting the deeper truth that he is also afraid of getting hurt again at his age and might not be able to take it anymore to feel love again.

This part crushed my lungs and blood vessels. Hahah.

I have often found myself in the situation of Greg… but much early on compared to the character.
(Wow, I just have to say that because at least it’s something I find that I'm proud of about myself. This dumb-dumb finally learned to grow up.)

After breaking up with the Ex whom I was in love with the most… it was exactly the feeling inside of me. Even when I was still relatively young at that time, I was paranoid that the next doomed relationship… which I hoped would only be brief if it ever did come (and it did)… will leave me doubting if I’ll ever subject myself again to start over and/or find love again.

It’s always hard to explain to a younger guy you’re dating. Believe me. And they'll most likely hate you and cast spells on you for not trusting them and dropping them even when they know they're in fact way too good for you.

Most of them would claim they know what they want to get into... and trying hard to convince you to take the leap. Of course they all say it.

But trust me to trust your gut if you feel that they don’t. Look at it as like a little boy with tooth problems begging you that he badly needs your ice cream.

Always remember honestly how you were when you were his age. Always think for both parties even if the younger guy will hate you for it.

But hey, I can only truly speak for myself.

When I was young, I always had “what if” thoughts even when my relationship track record was spotless. Still I did think of thoughts like… “what if I’m missing a lot of things that I should still be experiencing instead of proving that I need the stability of a relationship and working hard to keep it intact?”

Obviously, my fears proved to have substance. You’ll understand what I mean if you’re a reader of mine in this blog. But if you’re new… well, the short explanation is that… I realized after so many crazy relationships and soul-crushing breakups I had that I wasted a decade of my life. And that I was responsible for losing the many other opportunities in life that I could have taken. I could’ve made a great difference in what my life today may look like.

But who knows anything anymore? We all come from different cultural generations. And for a gay guy from my own generation I still consider myself a lucky bastard of a survivor.

Hey…
Gimme a break, I had no one to shower me advices when I was going through shit. Those who were like me… had to look out for our own. Most LG&B of my time were still brave cavemen trying to get in and out of their panic closet to stay alive in the open. Me on the other hand jumped out the moment I realized I'm gay.

So a big middle finger to the next ones right after us who made being closeted fashionable now and a must for all the lgbt sisiws. And bigger, stiffer middle finger to those who distorted the meaning of being bisexual.

For the N-th time people… please… If you don’t like bibingka… you’re fucking GAY so shove it up your gut. And F you if you insist you’re Bi you Bayot just because you got muscles and try desperately 24-7 to be as butch as a straight man can get.

My straight boy-friends beso me all the time and they cross their legs and hug all the time whenever they feel like it. So you’re not at all “no trace” fairy princesses.

I only got .0001 percent tolerance on these super dumb shit queens. Kalurkey lang talaga ang mga Bi-yotekla.


Going back…

Again, who knows… the youngest community warriors might be showing promise but not that obvious yet. I take my hats off to the young lesbians who are just chill and normalizing the scene for everyone. Yep, I see more gay women with their girlfriends in the open than young gay men. In fact youngsters today are misled to the concept of "the glory of pride bei g inside the closet and staying there".

Women have always been the game changer, you know. Admit it Beks. They got bigger balls... Always.

As for me… I have not been in a relationship in almost 5 years now. And I’m letting you in on a secret… I haven’t had sex too in over a year. I was surprised of myself too when I realized it’s been that long.

What I like about myself regarding these matters though is that for a change, I’m relieved that I no longer feel like a lesser person or yearning for sex… and being someone’s boyfriend, for real. Although of course why not if I get em, right? But so far, nada. And again I'm so fine with it.

And this my dear people has much to do with this topic which I myself have already felt scared of happening 8 years ago.

Right now, I got prospects but even so, I don’t get anxious. I got no problems being turned down or the “thing” fizzles out… just like the past 5 years.

Hope you enjoyed reading at least if this one didn’t make you learn something.

Stay beautiful fairies!

(Wink)