Commitment

Commitment
(Oct. 18, 2012)

I’ve been composing this for a while now and it’s just tonight that I thought of finishing it. I was able to bring it up last night in a conversation and I guess it got stuck inside my head.

I’m glad.

Because I just finished watching the whole pilot season of ‘Girls’ of HBO and found a new generation of Carrie and the girls to love… thanks to my colleague Marc. But I also hate the realization that the show gave me… the characters are in their early 20s and I’m still sharing their issues. Darn.

But writing this… going back… I think it’s something timely… especially these days when I’m feeling very lonely. Hahah!


This is about the very common issue surrounding relationships. It’s about when you think it’s time to get into one… or… when it’s time to eject.

Some friends have relationships… kudos to them who have lasted for so long now and… congratulations too to the ones who finally ended their already toxic… no, make that ‘suicidal’ relationship with their partners. And I’m not siding with any of ‘em. I love them all… they know that… and I want them to have the best in life too.


Anyway, there’d times when I’d hang out with some friends and the course of discussion would at times turn towards me. But when the conversation gets to that… I just can’t indulge that much and I just… listen and attempt to change the topic.

At times, this would be with friends with partners… and at most times with the singles... of course… I belong to that group now. They’d be straight friends and queer too.


There were times when I would hangout out with both… and they’d argue about what maturity is in relationship. Some plus ones would be agreeing with each other saying that as you grow older and wiser in relationships, the ideal scenario is that your relationships should get longer and longer.

Some singles would disagree arguing that it should be the other way around… shorter and shorter.

Yeah, it seems that the first idea is better and logical but lemme explain the point of the single friends. And to some degree I must agree with some of the points they raise.

On an average, a person whether straight or queer finally gets serious with their boyfriend or girlfriend… some to a degree of domestic life together… around their mid 20s… and that doesn’t mean they’re already ‘that’ mature.

Some fall out sooner eventually and some take years and of course, they too break up with the partners.

Some of them get challenged… like myself… and try harder and commit deeper each following relationship. Some get too traumatized and they might try once or twice again and then… eventually settle with just simple non-commitment affairs.

The singles said that people age… and it’s a given fact that as you grow older… not only you’ll surely be less romantic and already tired… you also find it harder to find a suitable partner. And let’s not deny this because a lot of people in their late 20s and up are some of the leading forces that make the gyms rich.

Their point is that as you… are supposed to… mature… you ought to develop a more cautious sense. And after the long and lesson-filled relationships… your track should lead you to shorter and more civilized partnerships… that at some point… hopefully sooner, one should already know when to end it when it’s no longer working for both parties… and spare yourselves the unnecessary drama… and save yourselves at least the ‘friendship’… well… if you’re the type who wants that.

And that to get into a longer relationship after an already long one is nothing more than immature idealism. And this is the reason why people get jaded afterwards because it’s already too late to realize that it ain't the answer… but sadly they’re already a bit too old to start acting how they should have years ago –the classic moral of the story we get from the ones who rush into love.

I get that… but… yes, a part of me is still traditional and… I too agree with the plus one friends.


But what I really feel is that… it doesn’t really matter. I’m friends with a lot of singles dating relentlessly… and people in relationships… and basically… both have issues. Of course that’s just but natural.

The singles confess after several bottles of beer that they’re tired and yearning for real stable connection. Typical right?

But hear this…

The plus one friends also rant that sometimes they really just want to get the hell out of their relationship…

…for different reasons.

Some say it’s no longer affecting them positively… that they’re already way past the peak and just going through the motions already… that even the most ordinary of things become a silent issue… and to some point… they tend to think that it might not be their destined partners.

Typical again… right?


So, to me… I don’t know. All that I feel right now is that yes… I’m scared… because I’m 35 now… my first year being no longer in the youth bracket. Imagine that. Yeah, laugh all you want but it’s seriously fucking scary!

I actually can clearly see how I’ve already aged. And I’m also already admitting that I’m making more efforts now to stay youthful.

I’ve always been energetic and engaging… but these days I find myself in the middle of something I’m blabbering about and suddenly feel like I’m overdoing it. I might be just paranoid or it’s true… I’m selling out.

Am I?


And I don’t think that I’m still gonna be as patient and enduring as I did in the last relationship. I know I’m already consumed. And I don’t know if I can settle for just someone good enough who comes my way.

I too know very much from vast experience since my 20s that I can’t find contentment in casual non-commitment affairs. And I think… it’s a joke at this age really… c’mon.


So what I see… as of now… is that yes, I have to be discriminating. I have to just learn how to be patient… and wait… until the most compatible guy comes… that I just need to content myself with borrowed bodies for warmth… when there are… for now.

No, I’m not really looking for a perfect guy. No… he doesn’t even have to be good looking… well, yeah… duh… bring ‘em… why not, right? But what I’m only looking for is that one person whom I can just be myself with and he’d still love me like I’m the most attractive guy on earth… see beyond my beer belly and ugly skin… and of course… yeah, a guy I can connect with in many levels.

I know it’s sounds so cliché… I too was one of those who cringe each time I hear these words… but ain't everybody yearning for the same things?


But again… how would I know when one of these casual affairs is the potential one if I don’t try them… right? So, naturally I also reserve the good possibilities from getting more intimate and regular affairs compared to just fly by night contacts.

I really don’t know anymore. I thought I already knew so much. I even used to take pride and claim that I really might be a relationship guru… just because a lot of people would believe my opinions and advises and most of the time they worked for my friends and fans… hahah!

But again… whenever I enter into a relationship… my theory resurfaces… that one will only be just as good as a newbie not knowing what prior lessons to apply to the new relationship… with a new person to bond or even live with.

I’m just one lost single guy right now… as vulnerable as any younger and lesser experienced single… but with acquired set of more mature sensibilities.

I don’t even know if that statement I wrote made sense to be honest.


I really guess, you just know… by instinct… when an affair’s worth receiving a long shot… and I guess one should also learn how to stop before it becomes a disaster.

I’m stuck in the middle… I guess… that’s why I’m saying this.

I guess the reason why I can’t promise myself to grow my hair long again too… even when I really miss it… is because of this commitment issue.