My barking lungs, a cocktail of pills and mixed pent-up thoughts

(Nov. 7, 2012)



Today’s my sister’s birthday and I’m sure that at her age now, she’s definitely going to want a baby… if she and Rowdy still ever want one. Just texted her before everyone else does.


I just finished watching a film with Anne Hathaway in it and I’m convinced now that she’s the new Julia Roberts and something more, yes. And I’m excited for the new Les Mis.

I thought that after watching it, it’d put me to sleep smiling but the consolation ending didn’t help one bit, I feel sad again... like hours before seeing it. So, I thought that after writing this, I’m gonna do my usual ‘midnight fix’.


Anyway, I miss blogging. There were a lot of stuff I wanted to write in weeks and they all just went stale because I was either too busy… to lazy or too sick… or too all of the three.

So I thought that since I feel like writing right now though with no direction yet… I’m just going to sum up the last several weeks that we’re interesting enough for me.


Amid getting sick very bad twice in October… the first one that started just days before my birthday and this last one… what do you know… about a month after… my first month being no longer part of the youth bracket… was not that bad.

I don’t recall getting sick this often though… not since my health got really bad in my late teens when I was abusing it. I promised myself however that one of these days I really got to pay the doc a visit.


I remember… having a meeting the 26th of October that dampened my spirits and no one wanted to go out and have drinks afterwards. Either everyone was pissed off or too drained. Good thing I remembered super charming Josh and his overdue invite to come over to his resto-bar Espana… so I went all the way there.

Yeah… I was so depressed that bad. You know… I never leave beloved QC just for drinks.

I knew I already wasn’t feeling my best for drinking that night but I thought I needed the heavy drinking… and I also thought the sexy-cute super fresh smile of the owner would help too.

Instead, I got stuck to chattering with one of his friends whom I didn’t know why all of the sudden was telling me what to do with my life. We were both already drunk by that time though. But I congratulated myself for not blowing my top off and just settled with just disappointing him through and through.

He probably realized that it’s just us–him, me, Josh and their other friend– left there but I was never going to let him enjoy his mind games so he decided to dismiss me. Moments after we left… I thought that he may have been used to having his way around people… even strangers all the time… and he got frustrated with me. No one’s probably told him that debate and argument are my maiden names. LOL

He didn’t really bother me except that I didn’t want Josh to think that I was rude to his friend who obviously didn’t like me one bit.

I texted Josh and apologized and thanked him for getting me drunk even when I missed the important part… of us catching up. Honestly, I went there hoping that since it was already sem break, there’d be lesser people around and we’d have the chance to chat.

It rained crazy that 3am. I got home soaking but numb. I fell asleep.

Josh promised though that next time soon we’ll be really catching up and talk about some ideas. I wished I could kiss his moist red lips at least if that next time turns to be another disaster… would be a fine consolation prize for me.


In the next several days, I already felt getting weak again and feared that I’ll get sick… again… but hoped that if I would it won’t be as bad as it was in early October.


I went home last Friday night with a guy with a nick as generic as Juan. I’ve known him only for a few weeks. Wasn’t really expecting an instant sleep over that night because I was already feeling worse.

What happened was that I went to the mall to buy me a new pair of good shoes because I badly need ‘em for many months now. In the mall, some guy sneezed in front of me and didn’t even apologize.

A while later while doing my grocery and texting with this new guy I just mentioned who was coincidentally in the mall that time too, I was already feeling sick. I thought about telling him that it’s not a good time but also thought that the last time I was sick, I was alone and really sad.

So, I decided… I could use some company… and hoped he doesn’t catch colds as easily as I do. Yeah, I could be selfish too sometimes.


He slept at my apartment… and yes, I got forced to do it with him… of course safe as always… another sexually incompatible guy… but had his own tricks so it was fun…and at least that put me to good sleep. He left in the afternoon the next day. He didn’t catch a cold.

I think he’s nice… and rugged kind of sexy. But I know he’s not my type… and I his. He’s smart but again… one of those conservative and archaic ‘straight’-thinking guys.

Of course… how many times have I said that I’m not going to get involved with men like that, yeah?

It was our second sort of ‘hanging out’. And I sensed that he’s beginning to romanticize whatever he’s starting to enjoy between us (that he has most likely not ever had before). And I hate becoming the default bad guy again when these things happen.

Honestly, I thought I knew long ago how to react in the best way to such situations. I guess I only had the guts to admit to myself that I still don’t in my 30s.

And please, I’m not about to create another franken-Mario yet again. Of course I’m aware of the similarities, yes!

At least that didn’t go off my radar. I want us to be friends though. I should talk to him one of these days.


Anyway, speaking of ‘hanging out’.That made me recall someone whom I was using this term with for a while.

I remember him especially because before I decided to go to Josh’s resto-bar, I thought I could use this guy’s company but he plainly said he couldn’t because he had his friends over at his place and they’re gonna have dinner.

Not that I was expecting that he’d do the same efforts that I’d do… not just for him but for people in general… I just thought that I really needed a nice cuddle in silence at least more than any other night that time.

Too bad.


But well, at least I realized the score there was between us.

We were ‘seeing’ each other now and then for a couple of months. Normally, he’d ask me to come over because he’s as coldly singular as I am and I’d go because it benefits me too.

But these were just sleep-overs. Most of which were followed with a hurried next mornings’.


Never really invested anything in that… always kept in mind that I’m just doing these things now… more liberal things I never really did much when I was younger… because I’m just being practical now.

But of all the guys I was ‘semi seeing’in the past several months… I thought I was kind of getting a better connection with him. I just felt peaceful locked in arms with him.

Of course I also know that guys of his social strata… don’t really click with me…this one’s, well… a bit of an exemption.

But well… yeah, counting some prior offenses he made… petty and not very petty ones… that I even causally set aside… doesn’t take a math formula to tell myself… that it’s not worth putting even a little effort for… anymore.

Cue to move on.

“Remember never to give anything more to a guy who won’t lift a finger for you, let alone ask if something’s wrong (when something’s obviously wrong)…this is your life now… get used to it… just glide... blah blah blah…”

I always tell myself these, these days… whenever it’s time to skip lanes… again.


Anyway…

I’m kind of happy that I just got into contact with a guy in facebook that I once happily chatted with in PR…another kid from Davao, hahah.

A different soul though, better sensibilities than the hunk surfer kid who wanted to have an LQ with me in texts. LOL

I think we’re going to be good friends… I sense it. I think we’re even gonna do some artsy projects in the future too.


Oh, well… I’m sleepy now. It’s 3:30am and I’m starting to bark again. Got work later.