Cleaning up the Act like Marikenyos after a flood

After the failed first day of house hunting with Carl, my growing disappointment with Jon and being stranded in Antipolo for three days during the great flood that sank 90% of Metro Manila… I’m back in my hell hole in Novaliches.

Everywhere I look there was mess. My apartment unit also looked like it’s been hit by a storm. Well, that’s because I left it that way when I hurried out a week ago to meet my friends Carl and Dennis.

Yes, it‘s been a week or so since I slept in my own place. But when I arrived very early this morning I was horny as hell… and the first thing that was on my mind was not to clean up or sleep immediately because I was very tired… it was to turn on my lappy and watch the porn films that I borrowed from Carl.

At the back of my mind, I was wishing that for some damned good luck, one of the guys I’ve been flirting with for sometime now and still haven’t met yet would call and ask if he could come over. Or just maybe call for a cheap thrill SOP.

I wished my four-eyed snobbish art critic super crush would call and finally declare to me that he also feels the same way for me and misses me badly too.

I wished the banker or the director or even the former fling who happens to live just nearby would call.

Well, I guess it was too much to ask fate who’s probably busy answering distressed calls from the flood victims. So, yeah… I just jacked off while watching and slept at about quarter to seven.


I woke up at around noon feeling lazy to even find food for my tummy that‘s already launched a hunger strike protest. I looked around the unit in distaste but couldn’t bring myself to clean up. I was horny again… the only feeling earlier that I was agreeing to but fought the urge to wank off because I was thinking of being fair to my stomach and the rest of my body and remembering Jon’s infamous rant about preserving the body’s zinc. So the porn treats had to wait.

I went out to find food and that’s when I felt the pain my tummy was already going through… I even bitched on a vendor more because of it I admit than my annoyance of the way she attended on me.

Went home and ate a ‘merienda food instead of having a lunch ‘pares’. There was nothing I could find that would entice my appetite… and budget… and I regretted pulling off a diva in that food stall that always had my favorite dishes… and hadn’t stayed longer there enough to feast my eyes on the topless super hunky barbecue vendor nearby because of it.

But anyway, probably the next time I check out the food in that stall, the cranky vendor would think twice before treating me like a street kid begging for food.


As soon as I finished filling up, miraculously, I finally felt the energy to clean up my place but thought… not just yet. I was still horny and it was raining hard again so I decided to watch a soft porn.

It was about a tourist in a town famous for its old lighthouse and his stupidity convincing a local to come home with him in Manila amid bitter lessons in his misses in affairs.

Seriously now, the story’s really about the lighthouse operator… whatever they’re called… the local who couldn’t accept the fact that he’s a fairy whom the stereotypically insensitive and yes again… stupid copywriter from manila cruised there in Batangas.

I thought the concept could have explored deeper topics and emphasized a bit more on the ‘kakanin’ vendor character who’s the traditional town beki and his parallels with the two main characters and the old retired closet fairy lighthouse operator slash second narrator (the main one being the lighthouse ’Uragon’ fairy himself), the story could have successfully delivered its thesis. The screenplay was boring and dragging… the acting was a lot worse… so, don’t ask me anymore about my comment on the direction.


Anyway, enough about an uncalled for film review… or okray. The reason I brought it up was because of some thoughts I was entertaining in my head afterwards while silently cleaning up my messy studio apartment.

It just started with my subjective reactions on the film. I was thinking of how the usual gay themed flicks would always suggest how it’s quite effortless to hook up and get into affairs in a gay man’s world.

I didn’t want to think that a lot of us in the community lack sensibilities. But yes, amid being politically correct, I am also aware of how many choose to shove sensibilities up their asses just to be at the very least sexual with another.

And if I choose to do so too, I wouldn’t be having this complicated time holding back possibilities of sexual encounters.

But I’d be damned.


After all the hell I climbed up from… I wouldn’t dare give up rational to live a sexually busy shallow and dangerous life.

I’m not preserving myself for a future lover. First of all, there’s really nothing there to save for him. Hahah!

But to me… I don’t want to get a lay with just about anyone. Well, instant and unexpected encounters are exceptions of course. Uh-huh I have ‘em too, darling! And most of the time… I really regret them more than I enjoyed them.

If I would have my way, I would always want to have sex with someone I really like. Someone I’ve gotten to know at least a bit… and as I get to know him better, he just makes me hornier.

Yes, I may be collecting candidates for a future partner. But what the hell’s wrong with that? I’m really not counting on it though and I’m not in a hurry to find ‘the next guy’ right now.

I just want to have a bit more connection as much as I can with a guy I want to be sexual with.

I’m really not a very sexual person. And I can only enjoy one round every time I have sex. So, I really wish for the guy to be someone I can mutually enjoy not only the act but more of the before and after things. Because that’s how I enjoy having sex.

I want to see the guy I become intimate with again. And that’s quite challenging for me because of the considerations that I have that make me complicated. And so, it’s very rare that I long to see a guy again and again.

Of course this is to consider the guy’s end too… if he would also feel the same way with me. Yes, sometimes… you feel that the guy’s almost your super type… and then he turns out vainer and shallower than you can tolerate.


I know… I know… in reality, it’s really a pain to find even a decent date… especially these days of heightening vanities. And of course, the risks of getting turned down and/or lost touch after an encounter are inevitable.

So, again… you see why I bother being such a ‘dalagang Pilipin-ish’? I really just want to be sure that the guy truly wants me and will connect with me in the same way I want to.


I am lonely. And from time to time horny like everyone else. I want to be close to somebody regularly too. Or from time to time, borrow intimacies with different men if that’s all I can have.

But above it all, I’m still very tired. And as much as possible… I don’t want to comply with all the stupid standards we put up… and put up with. I don’t wanna play these games anymore.

And that’s why I have to stay rational and hold back as much as I can afford to before I get sexual with someone… yes, especially with a guy I like. I get to minimize my risks. I get to stay away from pricks. And I move a step forward in finding a potential partner.


As I finished cleaning up my unit, the hunger for a connection with another only grew all the more. My place is now presentable again and ready to welcome a visit.


(Aug. 09, 2012/ Thursday )