Playing Macy Gray on my laptop as I take a break after finishing the laundry, I began thinking how long it’s been since I heard her song “Why Didn’t You Call Me”. Missed it so much I looped it so I can sing along, again and again.
For a while, I drifted into thinking about a story concept (for work) based on the song. But after failing to do so, I began checking my phone to look at the photos of the 24 year old(well, 25 now) guy I was seeing for a few months. Yes, the guy from last blog entry… yes, the super sexy and sweet… and goofy guy… with tats.
In my subconscious it might have been my reaction to the song… to be reminded of… let’s call him ‘babe’…the endearment he wanted to start with me when he was still hoping we could be romantic… because he suddenly just stopped calling and texting and even skipping the part of telling me he’s no longer interested to keep our intimate affair.
Yeah, the thing with babe’s already ended. I’ve been conscious of it from the exact moment that he realized he’s gotten over me.
How?
Man, let me tell you about SEX MESSAGES… in case you’re not aware of it yet.
Having sex is like looking at sparrows flying in all directions… chaotic… if you’re not reading the messages you may actually receive.Ifyou only take the time to intercept them, you may just get a helpful idea of what you’re going to… getting into… gotten into.
There are many different meanings to sex. The most common people know of is NEED SEX. It’s just plain unadulterated sex due to sexual urge. There’s HONEY SEX (as I call it) which is your pure lovey-dovey love making with the apple of your eyes. And yes, there’s ENTRY SEX too… for those who are taking the extra effort of doing it because they’re silently asking for a romantic possibility.
Also, one common addition to the Sex-itionary is MAKE UP SEX. You, know the one that comes with a feeling of guilt… either to end a lovers quarrel or to make up for the quality time that’s not coming very often anymore.
But there are way too many meanings to sex… some are to establish a status… some are to impart an emotional appeal.
But… it was EXIT SEX that told me, there’s just going to be one more… if not no more sex… after that last night that babe and I everdid it.
It was his EXIT SEX. Need I explain the obvious?
And perhaps, it was what’s in the back of my mind when I was listening to the song earlier. Not because I didn’t know it was coming. Like I said, I knew that after we consummated that last one, he was going to realize… if he hasn’t yet… that he’s ready to move on.
But maybe I connected the song to babe’s exit sex because no matter how aware I was of it… it still felt like I got abandoned.
You see, a week before it… I invited him to join me… if he was game with it… to a colleague’s place because I was asked to design and decorate an ‘arko’ for his niece who’s participating as a ‘reyna’ in a sagala. Babe was so cute helping out even when we were already soaking in the late afternoon rain and rushing to finish it up for the evening parade.
All the while he was excited and announcing to me and my colleague and his partner that he’s taking me out to ‘the first date’. I just kept quiet.
The following week, we ate at a weekend outdoor dining at Trinoma. But something unpleasant happened to him that same day that made him feel the extreme opposite of what he was feeling the whole week. I’m no longer going to share what it was.
But anyway… he looked so sad and super cute at the same time. It made me feel mushy too and I did my best to lift up his spirits back all the way to my studio apartment.
He was so quiet all the time so I played the talker. He went to bed early and slept with a heavy heart. Again, I wanted to be the good team player so I woke him up with all my sexual prowess. Whew!
But something else was there… something totally disconnected to what he was feeling before he went to sleep. And I easily recognized it as his EXIT SEX. Quite a surprise to me though… like an unexpected twist in a film that’s just established a romantic scene… but I accepted it.
I knew it was going to come sooner or later anyway. He came thrice that night.
How did I know it was exit sex then?
It didn’t go as usual for us. After more than 2 months of seeing each other, I was already familiar with how we go about in bed. He was always an eager participant. But that night, he didn’t even bother to return the pleasures.
Two possible reasons were in my mind. He’s just drained and feeling very low… or he’s over me. The second one was thicker, my instincts told me.
And as expected, more of the unusual followed. Not communication. Zero.
So, another week after… I took the effort to ask how he’s been and all. He said he went home to his family in Laguna to spend the weekend… which he normally would rather spend with me even when I tell him to spend some weekends with his family too.
I asked if there’s something he might want to tell me? He said, there’s nothing, really. I asked him if there was something that I did that offended him. He said we’re good.
That said… I confirmed he really was in transition. I understood it, in fact, really. But somehow, the whole situation made me feel ‘nabitin sa ere’.
After several correspondences in the span of a week (or so) I finally made him talk. He said that he realized he just wanted to move on ‘without the drama’. Thus, the whole dramatic mystery of the sudden loss of the communication.
I replied by saying that no drama really has to happen… not with a guy like me. All he had to do was give me the score. And it’s as if he didn’t know me at all to think that I’d make a big deal out of it. So, he apologized. I said, it’s okay and I perfectly understand the way he acted.
But I also told him that he may have been thinking that what he did was just okay with me because I’ve always been the one who played things casually. I wanted to correct that impression at least… even when we’re no longer going to be as close as before… I told him that the difference was that I may have been brutally honest and frank about the way I would like us to be right from the beginning… but for him to leave me hanging on mid-air with a big question… was not very mature and fair.
I knew then, he realized what I said. He sincerely apologized.
Today, he’s pursuing a guy at work. He told me that he thinks that the guy’s a BF material… which is someone he really wanted from the start. And I encourage him but also keep him open-minded.
I’ve been meeting other guys too since then… even had my own EXIT SEX with a guy I was seeing before I started seeing babe.
But somehow… even when I’m aware of the different warning signs… parting ways with someone… no matter how casual the affair is… is sad.
Yes, there’s the matter of having gotten used to being intimate with just that one person… and the routine you both have already established… but also, there’s the already familiar calm… warmth… comfort… even some sense of security… that you will also have to learn to undo.
I remember the last time we texted, he told me that I should really try harder to get over the trauma of my last relationship. I told him, it’s really not about that anymore. My case now is a matter of waiting patiently for the right time. I’m still burned out and I admit it. And I got to be wiser about who I choose to spend years again with because if I make another big mistake, I won’t be so young anymore and the chances of finding the real ideal partner would be much bleaker. Told him that he may not fully grasp what I was telling him today but in time he will.
I told him that he shouldn’t take that as like I was saying he’s not ideal. Many times before I kept telling him, he’s a rare catch… only, not for me. That he should see it like if there’s a 16-year-old who wants to have a relationship with him…how would he accept that possibility?
It’s really all about the differences in sensibilities and interests. That I was always going to keep in mind not to fall in love with him no matter how loveable he was because right now, he might be thinking that he’s never going to want anything more than I could share with him but in time… his age will succeed and the need to explore and experience will arise… and he will heed to it.
I told him that I’ve already trained myself to be content on what is only possible in my situation. That sometimes nice sweet guys like him happen and eventually go and sometimes there will only be fleeting intimate moments for a guy like me. Okey lang din.
I still miss the bastard though, but I know I’m already fine alone. I miss HONEY SEX, I realize but right now… at least I could use some NEED SEX.
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