About a year ago, i received this message from someone in a GBT site.
08. Sep. 2013 - 18:21
hi? are you lookin 4 serious relationship dn ba?? is it ok 2 ask YOUR CP# NUMBER ? if you are lookin 4 serious likewise? cause iam.. wish ur not into hook ups,,,cause,, many of guys ir,, want sex.. just leave.. YOUR CP NUMBER.. GODBLESS.. im into LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP, its quite hard na pag nagkita n kau in person, mag aliby na ganyan ganun. its hurting. kya sana. more deeper. and not shallow.. tapos pag nabgay na ang number, kala mo ok. di nman pls.
I replied saying that it's very flattering and so romantic of him but he must be joking because people don't ask somebody else randomly to be their partner. it doesn't work that way.
The next day, when i checked out my inbox, i found out that the user deleted his account.
Yesterday, i received the same message.
18. Oct. 2014 - 21:46
GoodEve! bro! are you also looking for partner? I am M***, is it okay to get your number #? if we are on the same boat, i mean if you are looking for partner too. Wish your the man im looking. Im a I.T. guy along Ayala Ave.
the user name of the guy who sent me the message is different but both user names have the word 'chinese' included in the handle.
Again, i replied and said,
'hey there. cute smile. I'm not sure if you're aware but you sent me the same message before. But i don't know who you are, man... you know, to be engaging you in such a serious tone.'
And i added that i'm actually used to flirting online and i do not hesitate expressing how i feel about a guy... even joke about offering marriage but of course, it's just exaggerating.
I never cross the line even if i'm dying to meet a guy i'm stalking.
And last, i told him the same thing,
'hey... this is flattering. but you know how it goes. we don't really ask someone to be our partner. It should be a work in progress.
You see, 'Real Life'... it's not a romantic novel. It's not a John Lloyd and Sarah movie.
They're made yes but only to entertain and spice up the romance that's already there.
Go meet people, talk. Yes, engage in a conversation. don't be afraid of rejection. everyone experiences it. embrace it. learn from every experience.
Then, you'll meet the guy you know is the kind of guy for you.'
I just checked my inbox again. The user deleted his account like what happened a year ago.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Nasty Stinkin' Smells, Memories and Worries
All along I thought there's this recurring problem with my sink.
That it stinks when the weather's hot for some reason. So i put different stuff to solve the problem.
I thought if the stink comes from organic stuff stuck somewhere in the pipeline,
I'll just have to dissolve it and the odor problem is also solved.
Now, this just made me remember how long I've been having this problem... because I remember my Ex.
Not that stinking has anything to do with remembering him. In fact, he's one of those rare beings who don't have B.O..
Yes, honestly, even after gym or out in the sun, he doesn't freaking have B.O.
Imagine that. No need for Deodorants and saving all the budget for it.
I wonder how much that would add up in say 30 years.
But back the topic...
Yeah, we even discussed it several times before. And how we'll deal with it.
This problem, i recall, began during this year's summer.
The Ex was still around, of course.
But after months of wondering and some hundreds of pesos spent on liquid whatever to pour down my sink's drain,
i just found out that me and my sink have always been in good terms.
That for as long as i don't dump anything nasty in it,
it won't give me clogs and stinky smells.
Damn, I realize that my sink and I got much better relationship than me and my Ex.
The real culprit for the stink... i found just out... comes from the unit downstairs.
You see, our building has this firewall that doubles as a ventilating system.
When my windows open and my neighbor's too, the air flows either downward or going up to my unit.
The first floor units have access to this small space between the back of their units and the firewall.
They use it as an extra space for cooking or storage or laundry area when it's rainy.
But in my downstairs neighbor's case, they use it as an area where they keep recyclables and all sorts of trash.
Yes, thanks to the fruit flies that have started migrating to my unit
and the sounds of mice i recall earlier that i hear at night sometimes down there.
I followed the trail of the flies and noticed finally that they're coming from my windows over the sink.
I tried to peek downstairs but before I even see anything, there...
I smell the familiar stink.
I've been doing work since this morning -reading chicklit books that i'll have to re-write and write interestingly for TV
but I'm distracted now of how to approach the downstairs neighbors without offending them even in the slightest.
That it stinks when the weather's hot for some reason. So i put different stuff to solve the problem.
I thought if the stink comes from organic stuff stuck somewhere in the pipeline,
I'll just have to dissolve it and the odor problem is also solved.
Now, this just made me remember how long I've been having this problem... because I remember my Ex.
Not that stinking has anything to do with remembering him. In fact, he's one of those rare beings who don't have B.O..
Yes, honestly, even after gym or out in the sun, he doesn't freaking have B.O.
Imagine that. No need for Deodorants and saving all the budget for it.
I wonder how much that would add up in say 30 years.
But back the topic...
Yeah, we even discussed it several times before. And how we'll deal with it.
This problem, i recall, began during this year's summer.
The Ex was still around, of course.
But after months of wondering and some hundreds of pesos spent on liquid whatever to pour down my sink's drain,
i just found out that me and my sink have always been in good terms.
That for as long as i don't dump anything nasty in it,
it won't give me clogs and stinky smells.
Damn, I realize that my sink and I got much better relationship than me and my Ex.
The real culprit for the stink... i found just out... comes from the unit downstairs.
You see, our building has this firewall that doubles as a ventilating system.
When my windows open and my neighbor's too, the air flows either downward or going up to my unit.
The first floor units have access to this small space between the back of their units and the firewall.
They use it as an extra space for cooking or storage or laundry area when it's rainy.
But in my downstairs neighbor's case, they use it as an area where they keep recyclables and all sorts of trash.
Yes, thanks to the fruit flies that have started migrating to my unit
and the sounds of mice i recall earlier that i hear at night sometimes down there.
I followed the trail of the flies and noticed finally that they're coming from my windows over the sink.
I tried to peek downstairs but before I even see anything, there...
I smell the familiar stink.
I've been doing work since this morning -reading chicklit books that i'll have to re-write and write interestingly for TV
but I'm distracted now of how to approach the downstairs neighbors without offending them even in the slightest.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Was I Offended?
Went out to buy some cigarettes last night when I realized i'm out of 'em.
Walked in to this kid whom i already encountered and acted weird twice before. I used to think he feels like a 'siga' who thought he could try scaring me and failed. 'Coz I'm not bluffing but... I can beat the shit out of him any given day.
But last night, he was at it again. He was seated on the gutter when i was approaching. He stood up and walked almost straight at me, then turned away in time before he's inches away from colliding onto me.
I asked him if he's got a problem.
He did not respond nor look back after walking past me. I decided to keep walking.
By the time I was headed back, he was walking with two other teens -a guy and a girl. Again, he did exactly what he just did when i first passed by but this time, he whispered to me...
'chupa?'.
But again, he kept walking with his friends like nothing happened as I turned around to face him. My instant reaction was to retaliate.
You see, when I was very young, I always loved a good fight. This would've been exciting for me. It was my personal secret when I was this annoying teenager's age.
Creeps me sometimes when I remember how I used to feel nice when I get violent. But of course, the 'adult me' today understands that I had a very troubled youth.
So, going back, my impulse at least wanted a word battle, and see what happens next.
I said, 'Ako kaya chupain mo? Pusta ako, mas malaki 'to? Sino tingin mo sa sarili mo?'
He did not react, nor his friends.
When i got back home, I told my friend Jed, who was staying for the night, about what just happened. She told me that my lines were too long. And I should've spat out just a good one-liner.
It was only then that I realized that the incident made me feel offended. Asked myself if I somehow look like I'd pay any cock-bearing creature regardless if they're hunk or toothless. I scratched my beard -which I actually have now because I've been too tired of doing a lot things while I was down with fever and flu for 2 weeks, and I thought how in the world would the guy even dare think of crossing me when most of the time, people get scared of me when I have beard.
I told my friend Jed that i'll take her suggestion the next time i cross paths with the kid. And later added that I also wished I should've told the kid 'you can't afford me' instead.
That would have been a nice move to turn the tables.
I also told Jed that as much as I was feeling offended, It felt weirdly good because I rarely get offended.
It felt humanizing.
While laughing, she told me, I'm weird and I should decide if I was offended or if I enjoyed the encounter.
Walked in to this kid whom i already encountered and acted weird twice before. I used to think he feels like a 'siga' who thought he could try scaring me and failed. 'Coz I'm not bluffing but... I can beat the shit out of him any given day.
But last night, he was at it again. He was seated on the gutter when i was approaching. He stood up and walked almost straight at me, then turned away in time before he's inches away from colliding onto me.
I asked him if he's got a problem.
He did not respond nor look back after walking past me. I decided to keep walking.
By the time I was headed back, he was walking with two other teens -a guy and a girl. Again, he did exactly what he just did when i first passed by but this time, he whispered to me...
'chupa?'.
But again, he kept walking with his friends like nothing happened as I turned around to face him. My instant reaction was to retaliate.
You see, when I was very young, I always loved a good fight. This would've been exciting for me. It was my personal secret when I was this annoying teenager's age.
Creeps me sometimes when I remember how I used to feel nice when I get violent. But of course, the 'adult me' today understands that I had a very troubled youth.
So, going back, my impulse at least wanted a word battle, and see what happens next.
I said, 'Ako kaya chupain mo? Pusta ako, mas malaki 'to? Sino tingin mo sa sarili mo?'
He did not react, nor his friends.
When i got back home, I told my friend Jed, who was staying for the night, about what just happened. She told me that my lines were too long. And I should've spat out just a good one-liner.
It was only then that I realized that the incident made me feel offended. Asked myself if I somehow look like I'd pay any cock-bearing creature regardless if they're hunk or toothless. I scratched my beard -which I actually have now because I've been too tired of doing a lot things while I was down with fever and flu for 2 weeks, and I thought how in the world would the guy even dare think of crossing me when most of the time, people get scared of me when I have beard.
I told my friend Jed that i'll take her suggestion the next time i cross paths with the kid. And later added that I also wished I should've told the kid 'you can't afford me' instead.
That would have been a nice move to turn the tables.
I also told Jed that as much as I was feeling offended, It felt weirdly good because I rarely get offended.
It felt humanizing.
While laughing, she told me, I'm weird and I should decide if I was offended or if I enjoyed the encounter.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Paying It Forward (sharing the lessons to the young)
The internet connection was hell the last several days, so i just read all my messages from other sites. One in particular warmed my heart. And i composed a reply right away. But when i sent it, i discovered that the user already erased his account.
I thought I'd just share my message to him to everyone and hope some could find some use of it.
-----------------------------------------
PR user (not his handle)
20. Jul. 2014 - 15:30
Good afternoon bro! are you also looking for partner? I am Mike, is it okay to get your number #? if we are on the same boat, i mean if you are looking for partner too.
Wish you're the man i'm looking for. I'm a I.T. guy along Ayala Ave
(ME)
hey there.
whoa, heavy stuff there. hahah
cheer up.
you know what, of course i'd love to have a genuinely working relationship someday too but i'm not hurrying.
actually, one just ended a couple of months ago and i'm still in that annoying phase. you know what i mean.
anyway, it's flattering what you're offering and you're cute. :-)
i guess we could hang out, it's all i can offer honestly.
but i know we'll get along. i'm great around guys like you.
hey, now... you know, people shouldn't ask for a partner. it doesn't happen that way. we shouldn't rush in, it doesn't work that way either.
you know, you're so young and aggressive and wanting to discover a lot of things.
that includes all the sexual politics.
don't hurry. believe me, there's nothing to rush into. relationships are just like everything else. it arrives at a plateau.
yeah, that's the truth. again, you're young and you're bound to make a lot of failures. it's natural. nobody escapes that.
just let yourself receive 'em. but always learn from them. it's their gift. treat it as the yang for the yin.
so go out, date, have sex (safe sex of course), get into an affair, but put no pressure.
just experience it and let it guide you on how to go about it. controlling never works,
i promise you that. be ready to exchange compromises in time. get to know people, different people.
learn how to listen more, it guides you with what and how to talk... like 'really' talk.
there's no 'perfect partner' or the 'right one'. i think you already know that.
whoever it is you are with, you both should make efforts to be deserving of each other.
that's how 'the right one' is born.
if only one puts up the effort, it's bound to get ugly before the affair expires.
and if it doesn't work out even with little efforts just let it go. then move on.
just always think that in the end, you'd still be the better guy put up efforts and unafraid of it. our hearts are big enough to do that.
we'll never run out of love to share. so, don't be jaded. always give what you can.
it's not all that bad. we are all part of a give and receive world. and demanding to receive comes with a price so, you should learn exactly when and how to do it.
if it's not really right to demand (and you'll feel it isn't. just be true to your self)... DON'T! just let go.
after experiencing all these, the product is a better more mature and prepared lover.
and then, you'll realize they suddenly just gravitate to you. and because you'd be wiser by then you'll know who is the better one to try grow a potential relationship with.
so, for now... just chill. ride with the waves, you're driving in the fast lane.
go with the flow and let it take you places.
guys like you...? you got better chances to become 'a beautiful partner'. you're honest. unafraid of getting your feelings into the open. it means you're open to exchanges.
and always, an open minded person will have a lot of advantages compared to the rest.
stay that way. and stay charming. keep smiling even if you just have to. that's how genuinely tough people do it.
have a fine day Mr. Romantic.
thanks for making me smile too.
I thought I'd just share my message to him to everyone and hope some could find some use of it.
-----------------------------------------
PR user (not his handle)
20. Jul. 2014 - 15:30
Good afternoon bro! are you also looking for partner? I am Mike, is it okay to get your number #? if we are on the same boat, i mean if you are looking for partner too.
Wish you're the man i'm looking for. I'm a I.T. guy along Ayala Ave
(ME)
hey there.
whoa, heavy stuff there. hahah
cheer up.
you know what, of course i'd love to have a genuinely working relationship someday too but i'm not hurrying.
actually, one just ended a couple of months ago and i'm still in that annoying phase. you know what i mean.
anyway, it's flattering what you're offering and you're cute. :-)
i guess we could hang out, it's all i can offer honestly.
but i know we'll get along. i'm great around guys like you.
hey, now... you know, people shouldn't ask for a partner. it doesn't happen that way. we shouldn't rush in, it doesn't work that way either.
you know, you're so young and aggressive and wanting to discover a lot of things.
that includes all the sexual politics.
don't hurry. believe me, there's nothing to rush into. relationships are just like everything else. it arrives at a plateau.
yeah, that's the truth. again, you're young and you're bound to make a lot of failures. it's natural. nobody escapes that.
just let yourself receive 'em. but always learn from them. it's their gift. treat it as the yang for the yin.
so go out, date, have sex (safe sex of course), get into an affair, but put no pressure.
just experience it and let it guide you on how to go about it. controlling never works,
i promise you that. be ready to exchange compromises in time. get to know people, different people.
learn how to listen more, it guides you with what and how to talk... like 'really' talk.
there's no 'perfect partner' or the 'right one'. i think you already know that.
whoever it is you are with, you both should make efforts to be deserving of each other.
that's how 'the right one' is born.
if only one puts up the effort, it's bound to get ugly before the affair expires.
and if it doesn't work out even with little efforts just let it go. then move on.
just always think that in the end, you'd still be the better guy put up efforts and unafraid of it. our hearts are big enough to do that.
we'll never run out of love to share. so, don't be jaded. always give what you can.
it's not all that bad. we are all part of a give and receive world. and demanding to receive comes with a price so, you should learn exactly when and how to do it.
if it's not really right to demand (and you'll feel it isn't. just be true to your self)... DON'T! just let go.
after experiencing all these, the product is a better more mature and prepared lover.
and then, you'll realize they suddenly just gravitate to you. and because you'd be wiser by then you'll know who is the better one to try grow a potential relationship with.
so, for now... just chill. ride with the waves, you're driving in the fast lane.
go with the flow and let it take you places.
guys like you...? you got better chances to become 'a beautiful partner'. you're honest. unafraid of getting your feelings into the open. it means you're open to exchanges.
and always, an open minded person will have a lot of advantages compared to the rest.
stay that way. and stay charming. keep smiling even if you just have to. that's how genuinely tough people do it.
have a fine day Mr. Romantic.
thanks for making me smile too.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Eight Months In Summary
I never invited you in my life.
You barged in proudly, convincing me you were madly in love with me.
I asked how, since you barely knew me.
You said what everybody would always say -I don't know, i just love you.
True, you did put up a great effort to win me.
The cynic stepped aside and i welcomed you in heart.
But before the honeymoon even started, you told me that you already got a partner.
15 years to be exact, it was like a big joke of the universe on me.
I was caught between "at least he's honest" and "fuck you(to me) bitch,
you told yourself you're never going to do to another what your Ex and his bitch did to you".
Did you ever really realize how hard that decision was for me, huh?
I told you so many times, reiterated what committing to you would mean to me.
You manifested your love through physical and material expression.
I did my best to connect deeply with you emotionally.
I provoked you. Pushed you to the limit.
I wanted to teach you that the bad days are as important as the good ones.
You cried. You coward.
You said you aren't used to confrontations and that you'll only turn away from them.
Took your hand, led you deeper into my world.
Wanted you to realize that there's a much wider, more promising world waiting outside your overdue past.
Your door remained shut, though you hope trinkets and stories of your home would suffice.
You cling on desperately to your comforts and your fears, leaving me standing still outside your heart.
You always cried.
I speak only the truth.
In a three-way street, one is bound to get hurt, i kept telling you.
That was me, saying I'm still like everyone else, scared of getting hurt.
You only kept making promises, grand plans.
Kept repeating your lines -I Love You More.
I kept an open mind in the best that i can.
Told myself to be practical and feel you for as long as it's bound to last.
My fear was growing as i knew you were drifting away.
And you didn't even feel you were.
You could have been more brave.
You could have made firm decisions and proved to me you did love me more.
I tried the utmost to understand the wholeness of you.
You wanted more from me, we both knew that's impossible.
You were pulling me towards my breaking point, but that's something i cannot allow.
Never anymore will i go there, you very well know that.
Still i gently held your hand and hoped you'd meet me halfway.
I've already crossed the border way too far.
I couldn't move one more step baby.
You should have moved towards me for a change.
And there you are now, across the sea.
You didn't even have the strength to tell me honestly.
You didn't even have the nerve to say goodbye to me in person.
You abandoned me and you expect me not to nag about it?
I tried so hard to be cool.
Because i fucking knew exactly what i allowed myself to get into in the first place.
Now that I've confirmed my deepest fears of you.
You don't even bother to offer a single brief response?
Where's that lover now who competed with me on who loved who more?
Where's that guy who sworn, cried and assured me that i'm not his rebound?
I guess we're down to the final score now.
I loved you more... or more likely, i was the only one truly, sincerely, wholeheartedly in love.
You barged in proudly, convincing me you were madly in love with me.
I asked how, since you barely knew me.
You said what everybody would always say -I don't know, i just love you.
True, you did put up a great effort to win me.
The cynic stepped aside and i welcomed you in heart.
But before the honeymoon even started, you told me that you already got a partner.
15 years to be exact, it was like a big joke of the universe on me.
I was caught between "at least he's honest" and "fuck you(to me) bitch,
you told yourself you're never going to do to another what your Ex and his bitch did to you".
Did you ever really realize how hard that decision was for me, huh?
I told you so many times, reiterated what committing to you would mean to me.
You manifested your love through physical and material expression.
I did my best to connect deeply with you emotionally.
I provoked you. Pushed you to the limit.
I wanted to teach you that the bad days are as important as the good ones.
You cried. You coward.
You said you aren't used to confrontations and that you'll only turn away from them.
Took your hand, led you deeper into my world.
Wanted you to realize that there's a much wider, more promising world waiting outside your overdue past.
Your door remained shut, though you hope trinkets and stories of your home would suffice.
You cling on desperately to your comforts and your fears, leaving me standing still outside your heart.
You always cried.
I speak only the truth.
In a three-way street, one is bound to get hurt, i kept telling you.
That was me, saying I'm still like everyone else, scared of getting hurt.
You only kept making promises, grand plans.
Kept repeating your lines -I Love You More.
I kept an open mind in the best that i can.
Told myself to be practical and feel you for as long as it's bound to last.
My fear was growing as i knew you were drifting away.
And you didn't even feel you were.
You could have been more brave.
You could have made firm decisions and proved to me you did love me more.
I tried the utmost to understand the wholeness of you.
You wanted more from me, we both knew that's impossible.
You were pulling me towards my breaking point, but that's something i cannot allow.
Never anymore will i go there, you very well know that.
Still i gently held your hand and hoped you'd meet me halfway.
I've already crossed the border way too far.
I couldn't move one more step baby.
You should have moved towards me for a change.
And there you are now, across the sea.
You didn't even have the strength to tell me honestly.
You didn't even have the nerve to say goodbye to me in person.
You abandoned me and you expect me not to nag about it?
I tried so hard to be cool.
Because i fucking knew exactly what i allowed myself to get into in the first place.
Now that I've confirmed my deepest fears of you.
You don't even bother to offer a single brief response?
Where's that lover now who competed with me on who loved who more?
Where's that guy who sworn, cried and assured me that i'm not his rebound?
I guess we're down to the final score now.
I loved you more... or more likely, i was the only one truly, sincerely, wholeheartedly in love.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Searching For His Face
Woke up so late because I felt like I didn't want to... for as long as I can stay asleep and dreaming.
When I finally did, that sweet sweet feeling of being wrapped in an embrace filled with genuine love and affection still lingered like a heavy dose of wine. I was still so intoxicated.
It felt like being born and crying for the warmth and care and safety of the womb. But I felt my own tears fell because I knew I can't go back to that wonderful dream.
In the last few moments of it, I desperately tried to remember his face. It was just a dream. And in the dream he was a ghost who loved me beyond life.
It was so wonderful that being loved there by a ghost was more real than reality has offered me in years.
Then, in that brief moment when i surrendered to my rational, i realized that I wept because I lost the one who crossed logic and reality and into my subconscious to embrace me and make me feel his love.
I got up. I mourned.
When I finally did, that sweet sweet feeling of being wrapped in an embrace filled with genuine love and affection still lingered like a heavy dose of wine. I was still so intoxicated.
It felt like being born and crying for the warmth and care and safety of the womb. But I felt my own tears fell because I knew I can't go back to that wonderful dream.
In the last few moments of it, I desperately tried to remember his face. It was just a dream. And in the dream he was a ghost who loved me beyond life.
It was so wonderful that being loved there by a ghost was more real than reality has offered me in years.
Then, in that brief moment when i surrendered to my rational, i realized that I wept because I lost the one who crossed logic and reality and into my subconscious to embrace me and make me feel his love.
I got up. I mourned.
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