WHEN IT'S NOT WORKING ANYMORE (repost)

Reading this makes me feel uncomfortable. But I almost forgot about that time when I was like the relationship guru of my friends.

Wrote this six years ago but in fairness to the younger me... I made sense.



10/10/06 04:55 PM

moral lesson:


when someone you date say's 'i love you', don't buy it. grow up. romanticism is poison.

learn how to be critical. you'll see... you'll enjoy being inlove much more when you see that all the coast is clear for the two of you.

when someone ur already intimate with say's he's got a soulmate... start looking and listenning to your warning signs. the guy is obviously not only superstitious and in denial, he's also obviously not over d 'Ex'!

what you ought to do is to know how much he's into you. if he's serious in pursuing you... don't get laid and give him his prize right away. he's just succeeded securing his emotional security with a willing romantic. remember that it can be you or anyone else in that place.

bottomline? he's in need of the feeling of being needed, cared for and... (gosh! do i need to say this? taboo!) LOVED.

you're not the end you're the means.

if you're smart enough and not suicidal, you'll delay no matter what it takes. even if it takes to lose the guy. it will only mean that he's just selfish.

always make sure that he's always in love with you. you don't declare you're in love just once. u both need to update. and see where you're already at after a week, after a month and so on.



(continuation)

'after a while and you see that you really hit jackpot with lover material...'


when he asks you to come live with him, DONT!

yes, you both know how convenience is becoming a problem... seeing each other and getting together, spending the night, and so on...

but this is a serious thing. ive seen a number of suicidal cases after break-ups that includes, err... me too).

REALLY! i beg of you brothers, don't hurt yourselves. learn how to play d compromise game fairly (with emphasis on ur part).

always remeber how u were and what were your plans and how you were going with it before you met him. STICK to the original plan!

so when to compromise?

the time you compromise is when he offers compromise for his part as well. example: going back to the 'living together prospect', if you are really already confident for a LIVE IN situation...

i know, a lot of us are faulty in knowing this part -the-when-you're-ready thingie- because, yes, it's still relatively rare experiencing the living together for a lot of people in the community. but dont be in denial. you'll very much regret it. sharon teeny flick movies are passe.

don't live in his place nor your place. get a another place... (you can either keep the place, be there a friend renting it or sharing it with you or think of other ways of maintaing it or give it up) ...and live together. that way, you're both in a balanced compromise and in a neutral environment. both of you can enjoy personal spaces because it's easy to respect chosen areas of the new place to be yours and/or his.


(continuation)

'checking up on the status of your relationship'


how do you know when all's well? when you're always going out? eating out? going places during common free days? watching movies together or dvds at home?

well, that's fun but... no... not really. no real significant progress can be weighed in those 'times spent together'.


ask yourself...

how much time do you spend talking about the two of you?

how much do you know him as a person? and vice versa.

does he remember what you were talking about the last time you two were alone? do you too?

in what ways does he express his affection? how often does he do it? if there's a change there, what are the causes? is he aware of it? does he worry himself with it?
do you know when either or both of you are pulling stunts instead of really expressing love for each other?

we really dont have to provide answers here for each of us to know how to weigh d situation. you already know it. these are just important questions we should always keep in mind... and oh, answer them... HONESTLY.

now, there may still be other important questions there... i just can't think of right now. d rest of us may add some more.



(continuation)

'the issue of respect'


respect is a very essential part of life. it has to exist ideally in all aspects of a person's life.

of course, it is too in relationships.

how do you know when you're just getting out of the way when d other is not in a good mood or is in a shitty situation... and ... when you're already crossing the boundaries of respect and integrity?

everyone is free as always to add more to the discussion)

when did u last sit down and reflect on d times when you compromised with something because of a situation involving him? and again vice versa.

it's not about counting the things you do for him versus the things he does for you. but we must realize the importance of maintaining a harmonious balance inside the relationship.

do you feel that you give so much while it's not evenly reciprocated? and that there's a discontent there that you're often pushing at d back of ur mind?

if you do, confront it.

don't keep on denying it.

the truth is... the more you do that, later on you develop that desire to throw back all these crap to him given that dreadful moment, or worse you already expect the collapse of the affair.

This Storm Within (repost)

Since it's raining... and I'm feeling lonesome... I'm reposting this old blog entry that i recently found in my downelink blogs... which i apparently had... and do not remember anymore... hahah.


------------------------
10/30/06 12:58 AM
this storm within


there was much discontent inside me when it ended.

i was even the one who's made the effort to have that talk with him.

i was like hanging in the air for so long.

i realized i needed more than all of what he said that night.

for my sanity.


and as i was right in thinking... the more i draw the answers out of him, the more i understood exactly the situation im in... and the situation i was... with him.


i have not gotten better ever since that separation. at least it's what i feel.

i feel worse.


the price of realizing truth has always been told to be painfull and the knowledge of it is irreversible.

ideally i feel, it was just right i did so. subjectively, i don't know if it's gonna be okay for my self-esteem.


it's just opened yet another pack full of questions for him... for myself...


there's a storm again. they said, it arrives tonight. i envy the land because in a few days at least, the sun comes out again.

last year was the worst year in my adult life. i was just recovering from it.

then here's yet another storm i never suspected. and i clueless... embraced it... now i'm left back in pieces again.


building from the ruins is such a painfull task. if it happens... like a cycle you come to a point when just cant help but stop...


you stop and think. and feel.


how many more storms do i have to overcome? will they make me or brake me? how much more should i learn?

i feel... i'm losing my only power to stay standing still... the faith in love.


-pulangtuldok

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous… it’s been a while now since I met you and I still can’t decide if you’re a good idea… or if my initial knowledge of you was even accurate. Also… I still can’t bring myself to look you straight in the eyes for more than a few moments.

It’s as if… should I let my gaze linger for a little more… your eyes that swim in seas of wisdom will find out what reality is withheld in mine.

I can’t even pretend to look at the rest of you because you would easily catch me too for what I do not intend to steal.

We may not be able to finish what we’re both gotten into and I feel sad and just okay… because I now decide to rest and wait if there’d ever be any hint from your end. If none… at least I never expected.



Dear Anonymous… I’ve known you longer than my Ex and we’ve lost connection and got touch again throughout the years. And I just found out that you’ve already erased the last trace of you for me.

I knew it. What I enjoyed with you in the past several months was just a fleeting fancy. And I’m glad in a way that I restrained myself in the middle of our risky and casual liaisons.

How long has it been now? It never even crossed my mind that you would go away that soon… without saying why. Does it have anything to do with the last thing I said… that I realized that I needed to stop before I stupidly fall for you while you were still enjoying the web of jokes we have gotten fond of weaving?

I’m still sad though even for that… which no longer exists. Only you now… can decide to reconnect… if it is exactly because of that… that you took off.



Dear Anonymous… you’ve been flattering me since I met you. And though it’s never really enough and relevant for me… I thank you nevertheless.

That ‘megawatt’ smile really melts me… looking at it burns my eyes. Of course you know that very well. It’s your very own magic… and works all the time!

And yet I had basked and burned in flames many times before… these days, I can no longer afford to take risks.

There’s nothing left of me to gamble and your sweet smile is an obviously losing game for me. It’s already been won long ago.

I am content now to just steal glances of it and wish that I could win one for my own one day.



Dear Anonymous… our paths have always crossed in the wrong times.

The first time I met you…, you felt like a magnet to me… but someone’s already attached to you. The second time… I just let go of mine. We tried to test the waters but we both had personal concerns… and had to pull away… way ahead the fading out of the sparks.

Recently… seeing you again feels like I know you like a long time lover. Your touch felt so familiar yet odd. I couldn’t find the right way to feel it. It’s like I’m drawn to it and repel at the same time.

I sense the withhold… it’s still there... from your end. Well, who changes much in just a little less than a year? I might not have too. So, just like the last time… I will restrain too.

And again, it’s up to time if something real arrives with it in the future.



Dear Anonymous… you changed my life forever. You remain the greatest love I ever had, you know.

Crumbs of the life you offered us from another time are still scattered inside me. This I learned after being told to end the thing I’ve been doing since the day I first attempted to rise back from death.

I also did that something I’ve been forbidding myself of ever since… and learned how you’ve been after our life together ended.

I thought it’s most fitting that I end that routine with something about you… I created it because of you.

I couldn’t help myself weeks ago and declared that I never stopped loving you… but it’s just that I’ve finally learned how to live without you.

I miss our baby too… very badly. I often dream of her now. Every time I wake up… I recall only embracing her… and you taking her away.

It’s raining again everyday… just like last year when I drowned my own storms in them. I realized that it never really stopped. It’s always been raining inside me since the day you took that life… the life of us… and offered another to someone else… way too early before I took my last breath of ours.

I learned that it’s died now too. I felt like holding you in my arms so you need not weep in the rain like I did.

But I know… I can’t.

It’s not right… for me… for you. You have to feel that death too… and finally understand the extent of how it altered me.

Perhaps, after your rebirth… I may then be able to speak to you again… as equals again.

standing in the middle of life's highway

I remember the documentary 'Mula 3rd Ave. Hanggang Sa Dulo' of the group Sine Patriyotiko. My participation was very minimal because it was already almost finished when i sat in the post production. I was there to give a few comments and critique on the docu and write its english subtitles. I recall a particular line of the narration I was so stuck in because the thought was so Filipino and when used, it expresses a lot of meaning than just the obvious and one can't simply translate without losing its essence. The line goes... "para akong nakatayo sa gitna ng rumaragasang kalye...". I know, it seems really very simple but used in the whole context of the documentary's introduction, it was a bit tough for this writer during his novice years. But my reason for mentioning this is that it's like how I feel for over a year now. It's like i'm standing in the middle of a merciless killer highway. And I do not have an escape. So, I chose a title that describes my life so far for this new blog. To my friends who read my 'Break-up Stories and Aftermaths' expect more of the dating nightmare stories but you'll get to read more about the other sides of me this time. This blog's all about man against fate... man against man... man against himself.