SEX MESSAGES

(06.20.13/Thu)


Playing Macy Gray on my laptop as I take a break after finishing the laundry, I began thinking how long it’s been since I heard her song “Why Didn’t You Call Me”. Missed it so much I looped it so I can sing along, again and again.

For a while, I drifted into thinking about a story concept (for work) based on the song. But after failing to do so, I began checking my phone to look at the photos of the 24 year old(well, 25 now) guy I was seeing for a few months. Yes, the guy from last blog entry… yes, the super sexy and sweet… and goofy guy… with tats.

In my subconscious it might have been my reaction to the song… to be reminded of… let’s call him ‘babe’…the endearment he wanted to start with me when he was still hoping we could be romantic… because he suddenly just stopped calling and texting and even skipping the part of telling me he’s no longer interested to keep our intimate affair.


Yeah, the thing with babe’s already ended. I’ve been conscious of it from the exact moment that he realized he’s gotten over me.

How?

Man, let me tell you about SEX MESSAGES… in case you’re not aware of it yet.


Having sex is like looking at sparrows flying in all directions… chaotic… if you’re not reading the messages you may actually receive.Ifyou only take the time to intercept them, you may just get a helpful idea of what you’re going to… getting into… gotten into.

There are many different meanings to sex. The most common people know of is NEED SEX. It’s just plain unadulterated sex due to sexual urge. There’s HONEY SEX (as I call it) which is your pure lovey-dovey love making with the apple of your eyes. And yes, there’s ENTRY SEX too… for those who are taking the extra effort of doing it because they’re silently asking for a romantic possibility.

Also, one common addition to the Sex-itionary is MAKE UP SEX. You, know the one that comes with a feeling of guilt… either to end a lovers quarrel or to make up for the quality time that’s not coming very often anymore.

But there are way too many meanings to sex… some are to establish a status… some are to impart an emotional appeal.


But… it was EXIT SEX that told me, there’s just going to be one more… if not no more sex… after that last night that babe and I everdid it.

It was his EXIT SEX. Need I explain the obvious?


And perhaps, it was what’s in the back of my mind when I was listening to the song earlier. Not because I didn’t know it was coming. Like I said, I knew that after we consummated that last one, he was going to realize… if he hasn’t yet… that he’s ready to move on.

But maybe I connected the song to babe’s exit sex because no matter how aware I was of it… it still felt like I got abandoned.


You see, a week before it… I invited him to join me… if he was game with it… to a colleague’s place because I was asked to design and decorate an ‘arko’ for his niece who’s participating as a ‘reyna’ in a sagala. Babe was so cute helping out even when we were already soaking in the late afternoon rain and rushing to finish it up for the evening parade.

All the while he was excited and announcing to me and my colleague and his partner that he’s taking me out to ‘the first date’. I just kept quiet.

The following week, we ate at a weekend outdoor dining at Trinoma. But something unpleasant happened to him that same day that made him feel the extreme opposite of what he was feeling the whole week. I’m no longer going to share what it was.

But anyway… he looked so sad and super cute at the same time. It made me feel mushy too and I did my best to lift up his spirits back all the way to my studio apartment.

He was so quiet all the time so I played the talker. He went to bed early and slept with a heavy heart. Again, I wanted to be the good team player so I woke him up with all my sexual prowess. Whew!

But something else was there… something totally disconnected to what he was feeling before he went to sleep. And I easily recognized it as his EXIT SEX. Quite a surprise to me though… like an unexpected twist in a film that’s just established a romantic scene… but I accepted it.

I knew it was going to come sooner or later anyway. He came thrice that night.

How did I know it was exit sex then?

It didn’t go as usual for us. After more than 2 months of seeing each other, I was already familiar with how we go about in bed. He was always an eager participant. But that night, he didn’t even bother to return the pleasures.

Two possible reasons were in my mind. He’s just drained and feeling very low… or he’s over me. The second one was thicker, my instincts told me.

And as expected, more of the unusual followed. Not communication. Zero.

So, another week after… I took the effort to ask how he’s been and all. He said he went home to his family in Laguna to spend the weekend… which he normally would rather spend with me even when I tell him to spend some weekends with his family too.

I asked if there’s something he might want to tell me? He said, there’s nothing, really. I asked him if there was something that I did that offended him. He said we’re good.

That said… I confirmed he really was in transition. I understood it, in fact, really. But somehow, the whole situation made me feel ‘nabitin sa ere’.

After several correspondences in the span of a week (or so) I finally made him talk. He said that he realized he just wanted to move on ‘without the drama’. Thus, the whole dramatic mystery of the sudden loss of the communication.

I replied by saying that no drama really has to happen… not with a guy like me. All he had to do was give me the score. And it’s as if he didn’t know me at all to think that I’d make a big deal out of it. So, he apologized. I said, it’s okay and I perfectly understand the way he acted.

But I also told him that he may have been thinking that what he did was just okay with me because I’ve always been the one who played things casually. I wanted to correct that impression at least… even when we’re no longer going to be as close as before… I told him that the difference was that I may have been brutally honest and frank about the way I would like us to be right from the beginning… but for him to leave me hanging on mid-air with a big question… was not very mature and fair.

I knew then, he realized what I said. He sincerely apologized.


Today, he’s pursuing a guy at work. He told me that he thinks that the guy’s a BF material… which is someone he really wanted from the start. And I encourage him but also keep him open-minded.

I’ve been meeting other guys too since then… even had my own EXIT SEX with a guy I was seeing before I started seeing babe.

But somehow… even when I’m aware of the different warning signs… parting ways with someone… no matter how casual the affair is… is sad.

Yes, there’s the matter of having gotten used to being intimate with just that one person… and the routine you both have already established… but also, there’s the already familiar calm… warmth… comfort… even some sense of security… that you will also have to learn to undo.


I remember the last time we texted, he told me that I should really try harder to get over the trauma of my last relationship. I told him, it’s really not about that anymore. My case now is a matter of waiting patiently for the right time. I’m still burned out and I admit it. And I got to be wiser about who I choose to spend years again with because if I make another big mistake, I won’t be so young anymore and the chances of finding the real ideal partner would be much bleaker. Told him that he may not fully grasp what I was telling him today but in time he will.

I told him that he shouldn’t take that as like I was saying he’s not ideal. Many times before I kept telling him, he’s a rare catch… only, not for me. That he should see it like if there’s a 16-year-old who wants to have a relationship with him…how would he accept that possibility?

It’s really all about the differences in sensibilities and interests. That I was always going to keep in mind not to fall in love with him no matter how loveable he was because right now, he might be thinking that he’s never going to want anything more than I could share with him but in time… his age will succeed and the need to explore and experience will arise… and he will heed to it.

I told him that I’ve already trained myself to be content on what is only possible in my situation. That sometimes nice sweet guys like him happen and eventually go and sometimes there will only be fleeting intimate moments for a guy like me. Okey lang din.


I still miss the bastard though, but I know I’m already fine alone. I miss HONEY SEX, I realize but right now… at least I could use some NEED SEX.

Freaky Friday

Had a weird friday.

Nung umaga, inabot ako ng traffic sa Mindanao Ave at naka-idlip sa FX. Pagbaba ng SM North, diridiretso sa info counter para magpa-load. May beki at gel na humarap sakin habang nagpapa-load. Nagulat ako sa sinabi nung beki na sales guy, kamukha ko raw si Georgina Wilson. hahahaha

Palibhasa siguro nakatali ang buhok ko pataas at nakatulog ng kaunti, medyo puffy ang mata ko? Pero first time ko talaga na masabihang kamukha ko yung model though sanay na akong nasasabihang kamukha ni ganito ni ganyan o napagkakamalang kakilala nila. napaka-generic kasi ng itsura ko. hahahahah...

Nung pag-alis ko tuloy, napatingin ako sa glass panel ng body shop para tingnan kung may hawig nga. hahah

Tapos nung pa-taxi naman ako ng tanghali papunta sa Family Planning Organization of the Philippines, sabi ko sa west ang daan at alam ko na ang traffic ng lahat ng ruta. Alam ko na rin ang patak ng metro. ang kulit ng driver at nag-edsa, di pa nagkasya at sa morato pa talaga dadaan as if 'di nya alam kung gaano ka-traffic doon anumang oras. pumatak ng isandaan na kung tutuusin ay sa ganung patak dapat nasa gilmore na ako. syempre umakyat ang dugo ko sa ulo at hinintay sumbra ang patak dahil bababa ako at babayaran ng kulang ang litsugas na drayber.

imbis na convenience ang hinangad ko, lalo pa akong na-inconvenience at napagastos. sarap mambuntal!

Pagkarating ng gabi at pabalik na naman ng rutang SM North, akala ko nakasalubong ang isang kaybigan dahil sa tatoo sa leeg ng isang lalaki. syempre nung makitang hindi s'ya didiretso na sana ako. pero bumati at nagsalita ang lalaki. napalingon ako kung sinong kausap n'ya. sumabay sakin maglakad.

nakipagkilala. pasensya daw kung masyado s'yang forward. isip ko, sige okay lang. basahin ko at pustahin kung anong trip nun. pasok daw kami ng mall. sunod naman ako. thought, kaya ko naman siyang gulpihin kahit mas malaki sakin kung ano man.

syempre pa sumagi sa isip ko na talaga namang may asim din naman ako kahit paano. thought baka may gusto sakin at ang haba ng buhok ko. hahahaha. pero mas dalawa ang ipinupusta ko. gusto mag-trip o money boy.

turns out, money boy nga. nagtanong ba naman sakin kung ok na bang mag-KFC kami. kahit medyo expected, napa-'Ha?' pa rin ako. Ganun na ba ang itsura ko, matronang beki para lapitan ng money boys? NYAR!

Sabi ko, katatapos ko lang kumain. Sabi n'ya ah, ok... kung saan daw ba ang punta ko. Sabi ko, may imi-meet ako. Nag-sori s'ya 'di n'ya daw in-expect na may boyfriend ako. hahahah. sakay pa rin ako at 'di na lang nagkomento. sabi n'ya sige, una na raw s'ya at baka magalit ang syota ko.

Mixed ang effect sakin. Mukha rin ba akong imposibleng magka-syota? wow! at the same time, parang naawa tuloy ako dun sa guy. thought that he just wanted to have a meal.

but then again, i thought. he seems healthier than me and may good looks naman. kung yung pagha-hussle ang gusto n'ya, pwede naman s'yang mag-try mag-pink soft porn.

hahah

really weird day nung biyernes.

THREE CHOICES

For about a month now, I’ve been sleeping with a guy who’s eleven years younger. He’s really nice actually…texts and calls regularly just to talk about random things and flirt. But more recently, he’s beginning to check up on me to find out if I’m seeing other guys. Uncool right? Especially when I already talked with him about what we have to expect of our set-up since day one.

But you know, for a guy his age… he’s supposed to be ‘the good catch’. He looks good, reminds you of Tony Leung’s earlier films. And shape? Whew… an artist’s muse. He’s funny and goofy (which works on me). He’s a charmer. He would even go as far as court you (uh huh!) by doing cheesy and sometimes outrageous things just to express his fondness of you. Oh, did I mention tats? Well, not many of us are into it but for those who are, he’s one fine canvass that make you stare until you come. lol

And best of all, he feels he’s ready to fall in love. But again… for guy like me… he’s still twenty four. And I freaking wonder why the twenty something dummies’ gaydar aren’t intercepting the signal of this wonderful being.

Of course, I’ve always been reminding him that we’ll have to enjoy ‘only’ the things we’re sharing now… and nothing more. Yes, I always tell him that we can’t go farther. For now, he’s okay with it. Question is until when?

I still have got many things to explain to him… make him understand the more complicated stuff he still has to learn in dating and relationships. I’m not the only one who’s having an advantage here, mind you. I’m also doing him a favor, equipping him with the right perspectives so he’d be able to prevent unnecessary hurt and waste of time later on… after he tires of spending time and having sex with me. But these have got to be given gradually… in bits and pieces. I don’t want to drive him away. I love his company. I want to stay friends with him.


So this leads me to the story I want to share. You see guys, I’ve already been in a few situations like this earlier after my breakup with ‘the Ex’. There were a few younger guys who were also wonderful. And much as I wanted to remain good friends with them, they just couldn’t accept such radical set-up. A lot of them got turned off and cut off communication with me after I told them we that needed to be realistic and accept the fact that it’s just going to futile to try building a relationship… not because of the age gap… but because of the things and situations that go with that much hyped-up gap. Of course there’s the fact that I was just out of a very difficult separation.

Okay… so, just weeks before I met and started seeing this 24 year old doll, I was just wrapping up my jogging in QC Circle one night and buying buko juice when I was greeted by another guy I was seeing last year. He’s just about to start jogging and was thrilled to see me after months of no communication.

I learned that he already has a boyfriend and in fact, the ‘bf’ was catching up to join him. Theguy was excited, wanted me to meet his lover and I said, ‘I don’t think I got enough time to stay.’

I know right? Of course it’s an awkward situation. Why the hell did he even think it’s a good idea to introduce us, yeah?

But guys you know, this guys a nice chap too. Yes, still naïve but honestly warm and friendly. I knew he didn’t mean anything else with that idea and more probably just happy to have seen me. But he suddenly looked hurt… you know the kind of look that says you never cease to hurt me.

So I decided to sit down with him and we talked but told him I might not be able to stay longer… and in my mind, hoping that the bf won’t arrive before I leave. After a few catching up chitchats, I told him that it’s not a fantastic idea to introduce me to his bf of only two weeks.

He got confused so he verbalized the thing he was alreadyexpressing with his puppy face. So, I asked him what he wanted to happen and he answered, saying that he just wanted to remain friends… wanted to know what I would think of his bf… because he also wanted us to become friends.

What I told him next freaked him out. First, I told him that he’s just starting out a relationship with his lover and in as early as two weeks, it’s still fragile especially for 20 something people like them who are most likely just having their first serious relationship… and/or living together arrangement… thus very territorial and emotional.

And here’s the rub. I told him that if he wants his bf to become friends with me, it might take me to sleep with him too, at least just once. I explained that it’s the most rational way I could think of to clear the awkward air between us.

Of course he told me that I’m out of my mind. So I replied to him saying that we got only three choices. One is to do that, the other is to pretend that his boyfriend will be so cool enough to never… not even once… develop suspicion of anything going on between us, and third… we could easily just choose to go our separate ways.

I told him that of course, I never even tried doing the first one yet. But I’m sure that whatever radically new kind of friendship will come out of it… no untoward feelings will occur anymore because again… I’m not inclined to find a serious relationship with a much younger guy.

Again, he thought that I always drive him away. He asked if it’s okay to at least hug me before he leaves (out of hurt… or disgust). I let him and hugged him back.Toldhim as I hugged him tight that I care for him more than he thought I did. But it’ll take some time before he finally gets my point of view.


So now… back to this new guy… I want to condition him slowly… now that he’s becoming more and more insistent on defining what’s going on between us.

I just hope that it won’t end up bitterly too. He really has so many things to experience yet, and I don’t want to be the one who’d snatch those away from him. If only I’m still 24, I’d let my guard down and won’t even miss the chance to experience his love.

But in my own reality, it’s almost impossible to even think that I can spend the next ten years in bliss with him. I just can’t put a blind eye on this reality. It hurts me to be hurting someone’s heart, especially this beautiful soul… but someone’s got to be awake all the time.

The next time I’m having a date, I’m going to tell him straight.

First Date NOs

(December 18, 2012)


So, left and right, people have been telling me to go date now with the purpose of finding ‘the guy’.

Yeah, I know. I appreciate the concern of friends but they need not tell me that. It’s always in the back of my mind. But it’s just that I don’t want to hurry and go for some ‘pwede na’ guy.

Recently though, I chatted with this cutie online and found him quite interesting. What’s nice about it is that he lives just nearby. But up to the point when I decided I’m not going to give more effort anymore, I never got to meet him.


What caught my attention was his profile statement about himself. Quite deep I thought… and we all know that it’s rare to find such in PR where people paint a glorified version of themselves.

So, he’s also in the media creatives… does graphics design. He has tats… my weakness, of course…converses intelligently yet humbly. And you know… he provides for his mom and sister… and that’s a very candy sweet pogi points as far as I’m concerned.

He told me stuff that made me feel that we can connect on many things in life. I thought he’s grounded. Although he works at home, I understand that he still has the same pressures as anyone working in an office environment. It could be worse actually because any problem at home can affect work right away.

I had a relationship once and we had a home-based office, it was so bad we can’t tell what we’re fighting about anymore even by the time we go to bed and rise the following day, I wanted to jump out of our 28th floor window. No… after that I promised myself never to go through that ever again.Hayst!


So, several times we’ve talked about meeting up at least for a tambay and yosi conversation but never got to do so.

At one point, he offered to meet one afternoon somewhere halfway from both ends. And then he said if it’s okay that we hang-out at his friend’s place. That then held me back.

I told him that it’s not a good idea, explained that we haven’t even met and that’s already a world of conversation. And to meet him for the first time along with other strangers would be very awkward.

He didn’t like my thought about his offer and said that I’m too ‘OC’. I said ‘no, it’s not really that’. Told him further that for one, it’s him who told me that he hasn’t been enjoying a time out from his work for quite a while and it’s his only time to unwind. So I said, it’s either he chooses to just chill and spend time with his buddies… meet me on another occasion or he goes out to meet me because it’s gonna be an effort to do both and he’s not going to fully enjoy his ‘time out’.

He couldn’t understand me of course, thought that I was belittling him or his circle. And again I tried to explain but he already felt that I wasn’t the type he likes.

I gave up. I realized that he’s also not the kind of guy I thought he was too.


You see guys, it’s really unaccommodating to a guy you’re dating for the first time to meet him with your crowd. First, you’re just going to end up trying to make him feel at ease while at the same time finding a way for you to enjoy yourself with your friends.

Second… and trust me on this if you haven’t experienced it before… you’re going to put your date on a very uncomfortable situation whether you’re friends are the best or they’re the ‘dare I care’ type. Your date will always be ending up hanging on air trying to pretend to enjoy while he doesn’t understand most of the conversations and worse be on the hot seat…the Boy Abunda kind.

Unless he’s narcissistic and loves to talk about himself and his dating life… it’s a nightmare for one to get subjected to that sort of conversation.

To top it all, by the end of your date… you’d realize that you didn’t get to really talk and get to know what you really want to know about him, and he you. Too bad if you realize that he’s kind of your type because most likely, he won’t want to hang out with you anymore.

He’d be thinking that you purposely did that to play it safe… in case he’s not your type.

An hey… there could be another scenario... and huh, this is the worse version.

Your date could also end up getting more interested on one of your barkada and they’d leave you wishing in the end that you shouldn’t have brought him to a date with your buddies. And you’ll sure lose one friend you never expect to bite on your own prey.

You know peeps, these group dates, they rarely work. It would if your date knows at least someone from your peer group. If not… then hell, he’ll wish he didn’t agree to meet you in the first place.


As for me and the guy who couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to meet him with his friends… I never got in touch with him again… at first not for a while at least hoping in the smallest amount of expectation that he’d realize what I meant and he’d call to apologize. But he never did. And I though dedma.

No regrets on my part. The good thing about it is that I found out sooner that he’s not close to being the type of guy I’d like to go out on a date with. Dedma na rin on the curiosity on his pa-deep and emotional dramas.

Hi Babe... ;)

Naglalakad ako sa mall after mag-grocery then may bumangga... "sori po" ang sabi nung magsyota. Potah, nangiinsulto ba ang mga 'to?

Shortly after, pababa akong hagdan still bothered by the two... pero... may nagmamadaling papanhik na cutie. Pagkalagpas lang sandali sakin, narinig kognsambit n'ya "Hey babe".

Napataas ang kilay sa loob ng noo ko't nilingon kung sino 'yung maswerteng bebot. Pagkakita ko, nakatingin s'ya sa'kin at nakangisi... pero dumiretso pa rin, nagmamadali.

Napatda ako ng slight. Hahah... teka, ako 'yung sinabihan n'ya?

At teka... linya ko 'yun a? Hanep... labs ko na ata s'ya, we're so alike. Kaso kapagod mag-UTurn at umakyat uli. Oo, ako na... pero I was kind of hoping na balikan n'ya ako. Besides gutom na tomjones na me. :(

Keri lang, pinasaya naman n'ya ako. Oo, nag-log-in ako... baka kasi ini-search n'ya ako sa fb at surprise-in uli ng "hi babe."

Nyar. Syempre wala. Hemingwehy...

i am pulangtuldok

it came out of a phase of depression.

my bestie who's now in Thailand and i were advocates/activists in our 20s. and one time, years after we left the movement i told her that our sacrifices seemed irrelevant and things never really relevantly changed.

what she said stayed in mind since then. she told me to think that were like small red spots on the face of earth if we zoom out on the map from space. and it just gets redder and redder even when it's very slowly.