Freaky Friday

Had a weird friday.

Nung umaga, inabot ako ng traffic sa Mindanao Ave at naka-idlip sa FX. Pagbaba ng SM North, diridiretso sa info counter para magpa-load. May beki at gel na humarap sakin habang nagpapa-load. Nagulat ako sa sinabi nung beki na sales guy, kamukha ko raw si Georgina Wilson. hahahaha

Palibhasa siguro nakatali ang buhok ko pataas at nakatulog ng kaunti, medyo puffy ang mata ko? Pero first time ko talaga na masabihang kamukha ko yung model though sanay na akong nasasabihang kamukha ni ganito ni ganyan o napagkakamalang kakilala nila. napaka-generic kasi ng itsura ko. hahahahah...

Nung pag-alis ko tuloy, napatingin ako sa glass panel ng body shop para tingnan kung may hawig nga. hahah

Tapos nung pa-taxi naman ako ng tanghali papunta sa Family Planning Organization of the Philippines, sabi ko sa west ang daan at alam ko na ang traffic ng lahat ng ruta. Alam ko na rin ang patak ng metro. ang kulit ng driver at nag-edsa, di pa nagkasya at sa morato pa talaga dadaan as if 'di nya alam kung gaano ka-traffic doon anumang oras. pumatak ng isandaan na kung tutuusin ay sa ganung patak dapat nasa gilmore na ako. syempre umakyat ang dugo ko sa ulo at hinintay sumbra ang patak dahil bababa ako at babayaran ng kulang ang litsugas na drayber.

imbis na convenience ang hinangad ko, lalo pa akong na-inconvenience at napagastos. sarap mambuntal!

Pagkarating ng gabi at pabalik na naman ng rutang SM North, akala ko nakasalubong ang isang kaybigan dahil sa tatoo sa leeg ng isang lalaki. syempre nung makitang hindi s'ya didiretso na sana ako. pero bumati at nagsalita ang lalaki. napalingon ako kung sinong kausap n'ya. sumabay sakin maglakad.

nakipagkilala. pasensya daw kung masyado s'yang forward. isip ko, sige okay lang. basahin ko at pustahin kung anong trip nun. pasok daw kami ng mall. sunod naman ako. thought, kaya ko naman siyang gulpihin kahit mas malaki sakin kung ano man.

syempre pa sumagi sa isip ko na talaga namang may asim din naman ako kahit paano. thought baka may gusto sakin at ang haba ng buhok ko. hahahaha. pero mas dalawa ang ipinupusta ko. gusto mag-trip o money boy.

turns out, money boy nga. nagtanong ba naman sakin kung ok na bang mag-KFC kami. kahit medyo expected, napa-'Ha?' pa rin ako. Ganun na ba ang itsura ko, matronang beki para lapitan ng money boys? NYAR!

Sabi ko, katatapos ko lang kumain. Sabi n'ya ah, ok... kung saan daw ba ang punta ko. Sabi ko, may imi-meet ako. Nag-sori s'ya 'di n'ya daw in-expect na may boyfriend ako. hahahah. sakay pa rin ako at 'di na lang nagkomento. sabi n'ya sige, una na raw s'ya at baka magalit ang syota ko.

Mixed ang effect sakin. Mukha rin ba akong imposibleng magka-syota? wow! at the same time, parang naawa tuloy ako dun sa guy. thought that he just wanted to have a meal.

but then again, i thought. he seems healthier than me and may good looks naman. kung yung pagha-hussle ang gusto n'ya, pwede naman s'yang mag-try mag-pink soft porn.

hahah

really weird day nung biyernes.

THREE CHOICES

For about a month now, I’ve been sleeping with a guy who’s eleven years younger. He’s really nice actually…texts and calls regularly just to talk about random things and flirt. But more recently, he’s beginning to check up on me to find out if I’m seeing other guys. Uncool right? Especially when I already talked with him about what we have to expect of our set-up since day one.

But you know, for a guy his age… he’s supposed to be ‘the good catch’. He looks good, reminds you of Tony Leung’s earlier films. And shape? Whew… an artist’s muse. He’s funny and goofy (which works on me). He’s a charmer. He would even go as far as court you (uh huh!) by doing cheesy and sometimes outrageous things just to express his fondness of you. Oh, did I mention tats? Well, not many of us are into it but for those who are, he’s one fine canvass that make you stare until you come. lol

And best of all, he feels he’s ready to fall in love. But again… for guy like me… he’s still twenty four. And I freaking wonder why the twenty something dummies’ gaydar aren’t intercepting the signal of this wonderful being.

Of course, I’ve always been reminding him that we’ll have to enjoy ‘only’ the things we’re sharing now… and nothing more. Yes, I always tell him that we can’t go farther. For now, he’s okay with it. Question is until when?

I still have got many things to explain to him… make him understand the more complicated stuff he still has to learn in dating and relationships. I’m not the only one who’s having an advantage here, mind you. I’m also doing him a favor, equipping him with the right perspectives so he’d be able to prevent unnecessary hurt and waste of time later on… after he tires of spending time and having sex with me. But these have got to be given gradually… in bits and pieces. I don’t want to drive him away. I love his company. I want to stay friends with him.


So this leads me to the story I want to share. You see guys, I’ve already been in a few situations like this earlier after my breakup with ‘the Ex’. There were a few younger guys who were also wonderful. And much as I wanted to remain good friends with them, they just couldn’t accept such radical set-up. A lot of them got turned off and cut off communication with me after I told them we that needed to be realistic and accept the fact that it’s just going to futile to try building a relationship… not because of the age gap… but because of the things and situations that go with that much hyped-up gap. Of course there’s the fact that I was just out of a very difficult separation.

Okay… so, just weeks before I met and started seeing this 24 year old doll, I was just wrapping up my jogging in QC Circle one night and buying buko juice when I was greeted by another guy I was seeing last year. He’s just about to start jogging and was thrilled to see me after months of no communication.

I learned that he already has a boyfriend and in fact, the ‘bf’ was catching up to join him. Theguy was excited, wanted me to meet his lover and I said, ‘I don’t think I got enough time to stay.’

I know right? Of course it’s an awkward situation. Why the hell did he even think it’s a good idea to introduce us, yeah?

But guys you know, this guys a nice chap too. Yes, still naïve but honestly warm and friendly. I knew he didn’t mean anything else with that idea and more probably just happy to have seen me. But he suddenly looked hurt… you know the kind of look that says you never cease to hurt me.

So I decided to sit down with him and we talked but told him I might not be able to stay longer… and in my mind, hoping that the bf won’t arrive before I leave. After a few catching up chitchats, I told him that it’s not a fantastic idea to introduce me to his bf of only two weeks.

He got confused so he verbalized the thing he was alreadyexpressing with his puppy face. So, I asked him what he wanted to happen and he answered, saying that he just wanted to remain friends… wanted to know what I would think of his bf… because he also wanted us to become friends.

What I told him next freaked him out. First, I told him that he’s just starting out a relationship with his lover and in as early as two weeks, it’s still fragile especially for 20 something people like them who are most likely just having their first serious relationship… and/or living together arrangement… thus very territorial and emotional.

And here’s the rub. I told him that if he wants his bf to become friends with me, it might take me to sleep with him too, at least just once. I explained that it’s the most rational way I could think of to clear the awkward air between us.

Of course he told me that I’m out of my mind. So I replied to him saying that we got only three choices. One is to do that, the other is to pretend that his boyfriend will be so cool enough to never… not even once… develop suspicion of anything going on between us, and third… we could easily just choose to go our separate ways.

I told him that of course, I never even tried doing the first one yet. But I’m sure that whatever radically new kind of friendship will come out of it… no untoward feelings will occur anymore because again… I’m not inclined to find a serious relationship with a much younger guy.

Again, he thought that I always drive him away. He asked if it’s okay to at least hug me before he leaves (out of hurt… or disgust). I let him and hugged him back.Toldhim as I hugged him tight that I care for him more than he thought I did. But it’ll take some time before he finally gets my point of view.


So now… back to this new guy… I want to condition him slowly… now that he’s becoming more and more insistent on defining what’s going on between us.

I just hope that it won’t end up bitterly too. He really has so many things to experience yet, and I don’t want to be the one who’d snatch those away from him. If only I’m still 24, I’d let my guard down and won’t even miss the chance to experience his love.

But in my own reality, it’s almost impossible to even think that I can spend the next ten years in bliss with him. I just can’t put a blind eye on this reality. It hurts me to be hurting someone’s heart, especially this beautiful soul… but someone’s got to be awake all the time.

The next time I’m having a date, I’m going to tell him straight.

First Date NOs

(December 18, 2012)


So, left and right, people have been telling me to go date now with the purpose of finding ‘the guy’.

Yeah, I know. I appreciate the concern of friends but they need not tell me that. It’s always in the back of my mind. But it’s just that I don’t want to hurry and go for some ‘pwede na’ guy.

Recently though, I chatted with this cutie online and found him quite interesting. What’s nice about it is that he lives just nearby. But up to the point when I decided I’m not going to give more effort anymore, I never got to meet him.


What caught my attention was his profile statement about himself. Quite deep I thought… and we all know that it’s rare to find such in PR where people paint a glorified version of themselves.

So, he’s also in the media creatives… does graphics design. He has tats… my weakness, of course…converses intelligently yet humbly. And you know… he provides for his mom and sister… and that’s a very candy sweet pogi points as far as I’m concerned.

He told me stuff that made me feel that we can connect on many things in life. I thought he’s grounded. Although he works at home, I understand that he still has the same pressures as anyone working in an office environment. It could be worse actually because any problem at home can affect work right away.

I had a relationship once and we had a home-based office, it was so bad we can’t tell what we’re fighting about anymore even by the time we go to bed and rise the following day, I wanted to jump out of our 28th floor window. No… after that I promised myself never to go through that ever again.Hayst!


So, several times we’ve talked about meeting up at least for a tambay and yosi conversation but never got to do so.

At one point, he offered to meet one afternoon somewhere halfway from both ends. And then he said if it’s okay that we hang-out at his friend’s place. That then held me back.

I told him that it’s not a good idea, explained that we haven’t even met and that’s already a world of conversation. And to meet him for the first time along with other strangers would be very awkward.

He didn’t like my thought about his offer and said that I’m too ‘OC’. I said ‘no, it’s not really that’. Told him further that for one, it’s him who told me that he hasn’t been enjoying a time out from his work for quite a while and it’s his only time to unwind. So I said, it’s either he chooses to just chill and spend time with his buddies… meet me on another occasion or he goes out to meet me because it’s gonna be an effort to do both and he’s not going to fully enjoy his ‘time out’.

He couldn’t understand me of course, thought that I was belittling him or his circle. And again I tried to explain but he already felt that I wasn’t the type he likes.

I gave up. I realized that he’s also not the kind of guy I thought he was too.


You see guys, it’s really unaccommodating to a guy you’re dating for the first time to meet him with your crowd. First, you’re just going to end up trying to make him feel at ease while at the same time finding a way for you to enjoy yourself with your friends.

Second… and trust me on this if you haven’t experienced it before… you’re going to put your date on a very uncomfortable situation whether you’re friends are the best or they’re the ‘dare I care’ type. Your date will always be ending up hanging on air trying to pretend to enjoy while he doesn’t understand most of the conversations and worse be on the hot seat…the Boy Abunda kind.

Unless he’s narcissistic and loves to talk about himself and his dating life… it’s a nightmare for one to get subjected to that sort of conversation.

To top it all, by the end of your date… you’d realize that you didn’t get to really talk and get to know what you really want to know about him, and he you. Too bad if you realize that he’s kind of your type because most likely, he won’t want to hang out with you anymore.

He’d be thinking that you purposely did that to play it safe… in case he’s not your type.

An hey… there could be another scenario... and huh, this is the worse version.

Your date could also end up getting more interested on one of your barkada and they’d leave you wishing in the end that you shouldn’t have brought him to a date with your buddies. And you’ll sure lose one friend you never expect to bite on your own prey.

You know peeps, these group dates, they rarely work. It would if your date knows at least someone from your peer group. If not… then hell, he’ll wish he didn’t agree to meet you in the first place.


As for me and the guy who couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to meet him with his friends… I never got in touch with him again… at first not for a while at least hoping in the smallest amount of expectation that he’d realize what I meant and he’d call to apologize. But he never did. And I though dedma.

No regrets on my part. The good thing about it is that I found out sooner that he’s not close to being the type of guy I’d like to go out on a date with. Dedma na rin on the curiosity on his pa-deep and emotional dramas.

Hi Babe... ;)

Naglalakad ako sa mall after mag-grocery then may bumangga... "sori po" ang sabi nung magsyota. Potah, nangiinsulto ba ang mga 'to?

Shortly after, pababa akong hagdan still bothered by the two... pero... may nagmamadaling papanhik na cutie. Pagkalagpas lang sandali sakin, narinig kognsambit n'ya "Hey babe".

Napataas ang kilay sa loob ng noo ko't nilingon kung sino 'yung maswerteng bebot. Pagkakita ko, nakatingin s'ya sa'kin at nakangisi... pero dumiretso pa rin, nagmamadali.

Napatda ako ng slight. Hahah... teka, ako 'yung sinabihan n'ya?

At teka... linya ko 'yun a? Hanep... labs ko na ata s'ya, we're so alike. Kaso kapagod mag-UTurn at umakyat uli. Oo, ako na... pero I was kind of hoping na balikan n'ya ako. Besides gutom na tomjones na me. :(

Keri lang, pinasaya naman n'ya ako. Oo, nag-log-in ako... baka kasi ini-search n'ya ako sa fb at surprise-in uli ng "hi babe."

Nyar. Syempre wala. Hemingwehy...

i am pulangtuldok

it came out of a phase of depression.

my bestie who's now in Thailand and i were advocates/activists in our 20s. and one time, years after we left the movement i told her that our sacrifices seemed irrelevant and things never really relevantly changed.

what she said stayed in mind since then. she told me to think that were like small red spots on the face of earth if we zoom out on the map from space. and it just gets redder and redder even when it's very slowly.

(title) "Mario's Frustrations"

was trying to condition myself to clean up recently so that i'd probably get more drive to find me a new place.

then i came across some old scripts with the Ex's doodles. somehow i sort of felt his subconscious while he was doodling them.

he used to do this every time he's writing late at night and smoking incessantly.

there are three pages of his doodles (different scripts) and one of em has his current's face on it... or so i think it is.

this is a series of amateur graphic design portraits.

ang lahat ay aktor at ang mundo mismo ang tanghalan

Wrote this in response to the email of a guy i've been courting lately. LOL

-----------------------------

hi baby...

hahah... okay ka rin magbate ng utak ano. minsan mag-'intellectual' intercourse naman tayo. hahaha

lalo mo akong pinalilibog. Mumi-Michel Foucault pa ang malapit ko nang maging syota (hint... hint!).

teka, seseryosohin ko ba ito? hahah... i'm an actor babe. teka rin pala, ba't mo naman natanong? nanood ka kay ate gay? aktor ka rin? at may existential crisis ka ngayon?

well, sa isang pinaka-madaling sagot... sa acting may ilang tools kang mapagkukunan ng reference. pero basically may dalawang klase ng acting. yung una ay yung acting na huhugot ka sa sariling karanasan para cinematically ma-translate yung emosyon ng karakter. yung ikalawa, yung aarte ka ng arte base sa kung anong interpretasyon mo nung emosyon o karanasan dahil maaaring 'di mo pa naranasan yun... o ikalawa... imposible mong maramdaman/maranasan yun sa tanang buhay mo o mismo ng isang tao/ordinaryong tao.

may sense na ba yun?


pero tama ka. lahat tayo ay aktor sa entablado natin... na ito mismong mundong pinagsasaluhan ng lahat.

ang kultura mismo ay isang produkto ng mga ugnayang mabubuo dahil sa mga pag-aarte ng bawat indibidwal.

pero bakit tayo lahat umaarte? o bakit kailangan, sa mangilan-ngilan o kung sa ilan pang tao, madalas tayong umaarte? konserbatismo? pangingilag sa sensibilidad ng iba? pagpapanggap para maging kaaya-aya sa iba?

umaarte tayong lahat sa anumang dahilan. 'di lang para sa mga taong ayaw nating makilala tayo ng lubos o mismong wala tayong interes... umaarte tayong lahat kahit sa harap ng mga taong malalapit sa atin.

sa pagkakataon pa lang na tinubuan tayo ng kamulatan sa mundo sa paligid natin, umaarte tayo sa harap ng pamilya natin para 'di madyahe sa huntahan kung mareyalisa nilang bumibinata o nagdadalaga ka na.

umaartte tayo sa barkada dahil sa unang pagkakataon, nati-challenge yung pagiging 'fitted' na makasama natin ang mga ito na sila ring nagti-trying hard na maging mas katulad ng lahat.

umaarte tayo sa ginugustong tao. magpapaka-lahat ng kaaya-aya ka sa kanya dahil gusto mong sa lahat ng magugustuhan, ikaw ang piliin niya.

maaaring mahubad agad ang karakter na inaarte sa sandaling mapa-oo na ito. may pagkakataon rin namang mapi-pressure ang ilan na pangatawanan na ang pag-arte... hanggang...

sa dalawa kayong aarte na sa isa't-isa araw at gabi. palaging nakabantay sa sensibilidad ng kada-isa.

at kapag darating na sa puntong puputok na ang mga emosyon... maglalabasan na ng totoong nararamdaman at magbibilangan na ng mga 'sakripisyo' na ginawa para sa isa.
tama?

tapos iisipin ng mg duguang puso kung gaano na katagal na nawala na yung dating sarili dahil sa ngalan ng pag-ibig?

syempre, ibang usapin n yung totoong sakripisyo ng pagku-kompromiso sa nagsimula sa pagpapanggap.

may linaw na pangga ko?


okey, eto pa.

'di naman mahirap pang paghandaan ang pagsasadula ng sarili. bakit?

kasi tayong lahat may kani-kanyang lebel ng kung sino ang sarili. ang totoong pinag-uusapan sa isyu ng pag-arte ng sarili ay yung... gaasno kalalim o hanggang sang lebel ng totoong tayo ang gusto nating ibahagi sa ispesipikong madla nito.
ganun pa rin ang pagdadaanang proseso... gaya na ng inaarte ng bawa't isa sa atin sa araw-araw.

sa katunayan... sa panahon ngayon... 'yun pang mga indibidwal na pinipiling maging hubad sa lahat ng institusyunalisado nang tungkuling umarte sa lahat ng pagkakataon... at nagpapakatotoo sa sarili at sa iba... ang sila pang tila 'di normal at nakaka-eskandalo.

hindi ba?

dapat alam nating lahat ito dahil may mga pagkakataon sa buhay ng lahat na maglalabas tayo ng 'totoong tayo' para lang mapahiya sa pagpapaka-totoo dahil ang lahat ay kumbinsidong ang tama ay yung inaarte na katotohanan ang reyalidad. kaya gagapang muli tayo sa yungib ng kostyum na suot natin at mararamdamang mas kumportableng suot ito kaysa makita ng lahat ang totoong anyo.

hahahahahah...


ikaw ang nagpasimula niyan... binigyan ko lang ng rasyunal.
teka... maisulat rin nga ito sa blagadag ko. heheh. belat!
muah! kelan tayo magdi-deyt?

;) :*