Eating in Bowls

Eating in Bowls


At 4am today I woke up soaking in my own sweat. It’s the N-th time I was waking up to attend to myself. I’ve been burning with fever since yesterday. In the dark, I felt the weight of the misery of living alone.

I don’t know how I got sick all of the sudden but I’m suspecting that it’s because I didn’t bother to close some windows before I slept the other night. I didn’t even wear a shirt too. It was just too breezy and nice, it made me feel like the night air in my folks’ hometown.

And so yesterday, when I woke up I was sore in different places. Like I was raped in my sleep. It was painful moving my toes and my fingers, my knees and elbows. I also had a stiff neck and my lower back and left abdomen hurt. I even thought I might have acquired measles. There were red spots all over my chest and tummy. But they never spread out so I’m guessing they’re just nasty bed bug bites because I haven’t been coming home every night and of course cleaning up for three straight weeks.

It’s really a curious state I was in all of the sudden. At first, I just felt weak but there was no fever yet. By midday, fever was already enveloping me. I managed to go out though to buy food and meds but it was such a painful effort.

I even received a text message from my boss on my way back telling me to come to the office to revise a pitch with the sales department. I replied saying that I’ll try if I feel any better. But I didn’t. In fact I felt worse.

At one point, I even feared that I’d die of hypothermia. Because I showered quickly last night when I was already feeling very weak in my burning temperature. That’s when the chills started. Wrong wrong move... tsk!


I recall the last time two times I was shaking uncontrollably like that. One was during a night shoot in a hospital in Batangas in 2010 and the other was two nights before I met the ‘Ex’ some days before the new year of 2007.

I didn’t really feel scared when I got the chills in the hospital… duh... hospital... hello?

But what was similar with last night’s trembling with that of December 2006’s is the even more painful feeling of dying alone in the middle of the night. In both occasions I was delirious and fighting to stay conscious… fighting for my life. Both then and last night, I forced myself to swallow half a cup of brown sugar to keep my blood rushing.


At 4am, I was literally dragging myself out of bed. It an enormous effort to stand up. My head was aching too but I got to take another pill before turning back to bed.

So I had to eat. Prepared myself a bowl of oats with egg. While waiting for the water to boil, I managed to take a sponge bath and ate a banana while waiting for the oats to cook.

I ate my bowl of oats in the dark. I thought that at least I still got appetite otherwise it would also be a huge effort too. Food was beginning to taste bitter though.

When I finished and took my bowl to the sink, I saw the other bowl I used last night. Then I looked at the pile of plates in a corner on the counter, they’re gathering dust.

I realized that I’ve been eating in bowls since the time I moved in my apartment, felt no use of plates when I’m alone.

All I got to use is a bowl where everything goes in to be consumed right away. Earlier in the habit, I thought like I was eating ‘kaning-baboy’. But it was even more uncomfortable for me to separate the food in dishes when it’s just me eating them. I associate dishes with company so, I can’t be bothered, I realized.

I felt like in the verge of crying. Self-pity winning me over.


Went to bed again and woke up past six. I was even more wet… like I swam in my sleep. My hair was damp too. But what I realized was that I was already feeling a lot better. Still sore in places, still feverish though. But my impression was like being baptized (or exorcized)… like I’m waking up to a new life.

Stood up and started moving to maybe shake off the rest of the fever. Went to the sink to wash the dishes while waiting for water to boil again for my last serving of oats. I made a mental note to go to the drugstore later to buy meds, ion water and oats. Maybe yogurt too, fruits and bread. But I’m running out of money and I’m not expecting any before 10th of the coming month.

I sat down and thought… sick, broke and alone… a perfect premise for teledrama. I looked at my bowl of oats for a while and asked myself again if I’m still gonna be looking at my bowl of food the way I felt earlier today. I realized, yeah… maybe.

Or, I could go look for new pretty bowls in Dapitan Market after 'sahod' and see this occasional drama as just natural. I’m still in track. I’m okay being alone for now… for now.


(Sept. 29, 2012)

Nahipuan ka na ba sa MRT?

posted this as a comment in PG4M and i thought it's fun to repost this on my blog.

hahah!



my new job makes me take the LRT2 these days. initially, i thought... there aren't much prospects since it's not as versatile as the MRT (re: many cities it stops by and more choices are available) and most passengers are kids (re: studes, not my all day type).

it's seldom i get to see interesting guys my type but just a week ago i was already about to get off in cubao and normally i would let the 'atat' get out first so, when a guy passed by behind me i felt alerted.

the guy behind was getting off too and passed behind me too close that his rod slid just a little above my right buttock to the left.

it felt really hard and big.

of course it only took some seconds and i was also about to move out too. so the moment i saw who it was, i saw a relatively tall stocky guy... probably working in a mall (based on his nylon slacks and black leather shoes and oh, his haircut that's typical of the 'Er' type of guys). fixed my eyes on him (who's walking ahead of me among the crowd) a little longer (even when i almost tripped over a girl in front o me) just to see if it was really him (him looking back to see me would confirm of course) and he did... with a knowing look. then he started to walk fast and vanished somewhere the elevator area.

i thought he looked cute in fairness. but also... i thought if he wanted to start something (hahah) he'll wait for me somewhere around the exits to gateway... because i wont allow myself to look like a desperate fairy flapping my wings fast to fly after him.

when i reached the exits downstairs, he's nowhere around. it's okay, i thought at least i'm flattered that a catch like that would take interest in harassing my flat ass.

LMAO

the drama

i'm starting to believe that there are some things in life... not only queer souls but everyone really... has to go through whether equipped with knowing what to avoid doing or totally oblivious. yes, rites of passage. it's inevitable. that it's just how things work. it's a pattern.

when i was in my early to mid-20s and doing full-time advocacy, i had this fear... the fear of turning into something like my much older queer friends. i mean i love them with all my heart. but there were just things they have that i didn't agree of. some thoughts and line of thinking they shared, things they do, things they compromise.

it was not only a conscious effort on my part to be different, i thought i wanted to set a more progressive example of the ideal queer.

that if i keep being conscious of the do's and the don'ts i set up, i'd be walking in the right direction.

but years after and several failed relationships along with them, i realized that i myself broke many of my own rules. and it's not that i was clueless that i did... i was in fact conscious.

i realized that some compromises are essential and in the process make you genuinely mature.

yes, the drama... hahah

a lot of people claim to dislike 'drama'.

these days... i answer them by saying before you hate and avoid the 'drama' make sure you know and understand the drama first. i know a lot of these people are posers... just parroting the lines of the real burnedouts who have yet to realize how much their hearts are capable of expanding even more.

that avoiding the drama is merely a stage. eventually, everyone will crawl back to the arms of drama.

the question is... will they also return to being romantic or will they now be rational.

that's where we draw the line between survivors and dumb assed masochists. LOL

about a boy...

when i first got to chat with him, i was in awe.

saw his profile in PR and i thought he's either a poser or too bold to post his heavenly looks there. i mean he certainly looks like a high-fashion model. in his photos he also seemed very professional.

i never expected he'd go all the way to interact. after i left a footprint, he sent a private message saying he liked my hair... because i still got my old photos of my long hair there.

that's where it started. we exchanged numbers and began texting. then he started calling when i already began flirting in our texts.

apparently he got serious to the point where he's already saying he's falling for me. i didn't know where that came from.

instantly i saw warning signs flashing. i mean he's 22 and yes too young... but he's also the pretty boy... so more likely, i'd also assume that he was playing me.


after my break up with 'the ex' and started dating again after so long i lost some sensibilities responsible dating single men have and i admit to have hurt some people in the process... too absorbed in my own misery... and finally learned to play it right... again.

so with mixed feelings, i often watched out my interactions with the boy, avoiding leading conversations that he might misunderstand... and at the same time looking for signs if he's pulling off a game.


but it didn't help a bit.

he was almost hysterical when i didn't agree with him on having a relationship... imagine, all of our interactions were all entirely through texts because he claimed to have erased his PR account to prove to me that he's serious and loyal to me... and i tried my best to explain to him... in the most unoffensive ways i can... how absurd and immature it is to corner someone into having a relationship based on almost nothing at all.

yes, of course... with all the qualities he has... how on earth will i not feel flattered, yeah? i mean, it's like turning into a princess in a fairy tale to meet a guy who has all the stereotypical qualities any girl or beki could onyl dream of -looks, height, perfect form, humble, smart (hm... come to think of it, i'm thinking twice now), comes from a comfortable life, surfer boy, loves nature, romantic... and on top of it all... declaring his love for you.

but all that, again... it's for the young.


if i simply said yes to him and throw all caution to the wind... it's like yes... throwing away every single lesson i learned in love and relationship... and oh, include dating and all sexual politics along with those too.

i'd be damned. might as well stab myself and die.

so after lengthy explanations and trying my best to calm him down, for a while he did. but with just a single joke, every new agreement we made crumbled.

i compromised for his sake that i'll meet him here in manila upon his return from his long vacation in their new property in davao (that overlooks the sea) and go out on dates with him to see if we'd hit it off. i even offered to let him stay sometime in my apartment when i finally get a new one in diliman. we were pretty much okay with the setup.

but joked about his sudden grumpy shifts saying he's too bratty. and all hell broke lose.


we lost touch for a while... about a month or so... until i missent a text message one night when i was drunk recently. and he started texting again.

i thought he's okay now with becoming good friends and occasional flirtation but i found out that he's actually renewing a connection with someone he's dating two years ago. apparently, the guy's a celeb whose career is now soaring high.

never asked more about 'the guy' because even though i'm not 'showbiz' i still work in the same industry... and the possibility of running into 'this guy' is not too far off.


so, i understand now that his dilemma is on how to make it work should they push through with the affair.

it's a classic Piolo-ish situation.

yet davao boy would also tell me i should've given us a shot. we would have been the lovers now and he won't be having this trouble. i asked him what did our short thing have to do with what he and celeb guy have now. he said it's because he'd really made ours work if i weren't complicated. he said that he can't understand why he keeps falling for complicated guys.

i answered back with something i recall from an episode in sex and the city where samantha was telling his young model lover Jerry to go play with his friends and she'll play with hers. i explained to him that people really have to seriously consider the age gap or if not age... the difference in wavelengths... and that more likely than not... to pursue an affair with a very different person is like playing a losing game.

i told him that the reason i already lost all interest in romantic love is because it doesn't offer any reason to love or find out why things are going the way they do... there's no growth in romanticism. and i prefer rational love now. that no matter how deeply i'm attracted and even falling for someone... i'm no longer jumping in just yet. if it takes a casual sexual affair with no commitments first... then be it. if it even takes losing the guy in the process... i'd rather take it than to get trapped in years of misery and regret again.

of course, he got overwhelmed again. and even in my attempts to help him make a logical way of seeing his new affair i knew i only made him all the more confused.

he didn't reply to my last text message. i don't know if he's not going to keep in touch again.

i would've preferred that we stay good friends. he really seems like a good soul. only... he's still too young to understand the complexities his age are desperately wanting to get into but totally clueless of.

oh, well... not that i didn't go through the same phase. i was worse. but he could at least take his advantage of having someone (me) telling him things i never got when i was going through the same dilemmas.

oh boy, i hope you won't have to go through all the hell i had been through.

Isang Agos... Dalawang Magkaibang Direksyon

Mula pa pagbangon ko kaninang umaga at mapagtanto na 'di matutuloy ang imbitasyon sa'kin na magbahagi sa isang lecture para sa mga film student, kinundisyon ko na ang sarili na magsimula na muling maghalungkat ng sariling utak para makabuo ng bagong mga konseptong kailangan kong ihanda para sa trabaho ko bukas.

Dalawa na kasing sesyon nito ang lumipas at wala pa rin akong maibahaging bebenta sa aking grupo na buuin para ipasa sa naman mga boss para paaprubahan.

Naghalungkat ako ng mga lumang naitala nang mga ideya sa aking laptop na pinamagatan kong aking 'mga bungang utak'. Naghukay rin sa mga baul kong puno ng mga lumang journal.

Wala.

Wala akong makitang potensyal na mairerepaso.


At gaya na rin ng sinabi ng kaibigan kong si Nathan, kung malapit sa puso mo ang isang materyal, 'wag mo na itong i-pitch dahil mababago lang ang konsepto at mawawala na ang esensya nito na nais mong patingkarin. Mpi-frustrate ka lang. At kapag nsgamit na ang ideya, 'di mo na rin ito pag-aari. Pag-aari na ito ng kumpanyang pinagta-trabahuhan mo.

Naisip ko tuloy ang pinag-uusapan namin ng isang kaibigang taga-CAP kagabi habang binabagtas namin ang kahabaan ng C5-Katipunan (na 'di na nga pala Katipunan ang ngalan ngayon) matapos makipagbabaran sa ilang kakilalang musikero.

May isa kasing importanteng lumang pelikulang pag-aari ng isang malaking kumpanya sa Midya na gustong hingan ng clips ng grupo para sa isang mahalagang proyetong pagpaparangal sa isang yumaong National Artist na direktor sa pelikula... at ang isyu ay ang IPR o Intellectual Property Rights.

Sa isip namin pareho... anong Intellectual Property nila dun?

Haay... ito ang mundo ng mga manggagawa sa Midya. Bungang utak mo... pag-aari ng iba.


Mabalik lang muli sa isinusulat.

Ayun, sa kaiisip... napa-online tuloy ako. Tinatamad rin kasing lumabas at maghanap ng mga inspirasyon na maaaring pagkunan ng mga kwento kaya't nangalugad na lang ng bali-balita, tsismis... kutsu-kutso at conspiracy theories sa internet.

Mabuti na lang at may isang miyembro ng GBT site na aking nabuksan ang profile at may ini-post siyang link ng kanyang blogsite.

Napabasa at nalugod... nasiyahan ako't tila binabasa ang sariling mga entry nung ako ang nasa kanyang katayuan.

Ganitong-ganito ang tema ng mga isinusulat ko nung nasa ganoon rin akong gulang.

Nanariwa ang aking mga karanasan nung ako ay bagitong-bagito pa sa larangan ng sex at relasyon. Maganda siya magsulat... at least para sa akin... Dahil napaka-totoo at walang pretensyon. Mangilan-ngilan na lang ang napapansin ko kasing ganito ka-'raw' ang mga entry. Sa ilan-taon ko na ring pagsusulat ng ganito, madali ko nang maramdaman ang lebel ng sinseridad at pagpapakatotoo ng mga iba ring nagsusulat... palaging mayroong bakod kahit maliit.


Maya-maya naman ay may narinig akong chat message sa FB kung kaya't itinigil ko muna ang pag-aaliw sa sarili sa pagbabasa ng entries nung blogger.

Mula ito sa isang... well, mas bata ring naging ka-flirt minsan. Kamustahan lang at panaka-nakang flirtation nung una... nauwi rin ang 'di pagkakaunawaan sa usapang sex at love.

Gaya ng dati... at maraming iba pang nakausap... pikon ito sa pagiging 'technical' ko raw sa pananaw sa usaping 'dating, sex and affairs'. Kailangan ko raw maging mas fluid... and that i should just go with the flow.

Sa isip ko, teka... alam kong 'di n'ya maiintindihan... at matatagalan pa sa kanyang buhay bago niya ako ma-gets... pero subukan ko munang magbigay ng ilang payak na mga lesson... para na rin sa kanyang pansariling pag-unlad.

Wala na siyang idinugtong. Wala naman akong kaso ron. Gaya ng nasabi ko... expected ko na ito. 'Di ko na kailangan i-recite... alam n'ya nang kaso ito ng 'papunta ka pa lang... teh, pabalik na ako, sori ha?'

Ako rin... ayokong ginagamitan ng ganitong salita. So, dedma na.


Kaya... napabalik na lang uli ako sa pagbabasa ng entries sa blog nitong isang estranghero na pinahahanga na ako. Para tuloy gusto ko siyang mahiram minsan. hahahah

Sa totoo lang, kung sa iba... parang wala na namang iba sa kanyang mga paksa. Alam nang lahat ng mga beki at mga Bi-yot ang mga usaping ganito.

Ang mga isinusulat n'ya nga'y 'di na bago sa kaalaman ng marami... at lahat naman nga'y naranasan o nararanasan rin naman ang mga ganito.

Pero...

Ilan lang nga ba ang talagang nangangahas maging ganun katotoo gaya niya... kahit na nga maaari pa ring maitago ang sariling katauhan sa ganitong tipo ng pagsusulat?


Yun... dun ako hanga sa batang ito. Mapangahas. Walang itatago. Gago ako. Matalino ako. Semplang ako. Natututo ako. Nadadapa muli. Eh, tangna n'yo lang!

Ganun s'ya. Bukod pa riyan... marami rin siyang aksidenteng mabibigyan ng mababasang mapagkukunan ng pointers ng mga nahuhuli naman sa kanya.


Malaki ang nakikita ko sa kanya na tulad sa aking sarili. Oo... marami pa s'yang semplang na kailangang tanggaping haharapin. At sa tingin ko... alam na rin niya ito.

At sana mas mataas ang aakyatin niya sa tuwing babangon... mas solido ang tutuntungang mga baytang kaysa sa akin... at lagpasan na ang maraming mga semplang na 'di ko naiwasan nung panahong wala akong mapaghuhugutang mga aralin at opsiyon. Nawa rin ay maging progresibo ang kanyang pananaw sa mga bagay-bagay para 'di na maliliko nang paulit-ulit sa isang estado.


Para sa akin, ang mga ganitong maliliit na katapangan... kapangahasan ang nagiging lamang o advantage ng ilan kumpara sa maraming laging playing safe at bukambibig lagi ay 'good vibes lang, no drama' sa maraming bagay.

Sa puntong ito... sa usapin na nga ng pulitika ng sex, marami ang patuloy na lalangoy sa malapot na tubig ng lawa nang paikot-ikot samantala ang mga kumukompronta sa mga isyung dinaranas ang siyang makakaahon mula roon.


Iisa lang naman ang gustong tunguhing landas ng marami... straight man o 'bent'... pero yung kung paano mo dinidiskartehan yung byahe ang maaaring magpabagal sa'yo o magpatulin.

Minsan ang inaakalang mahirap at masalimuot na paraan... yun pang mas siguradong magdadala sa tinutungo.

Yung nagpapadala lang sa agos at hinahayaan lang na madala ng mga pangyayari ang natatagalan at napapadpad sa mga lugar na mas lalong 'di maintindihan.

Kasi... sa simula pa lang ay umaatras na sa kailiit-liitang mga kumplikasyon... iniisip na ang pag-ibig ay 'di gaya ng ibang aspeto ng buhay na kailangan pagtuunan ng seryosong pag-iisip.

Isang araw... magigising na lang silang mga lola na at olats pa rin kahit magpaka-hipon.

Mga dear... minsan mahalaga muna nating lahat maranasan yung 'drama' na sinasabi at iniiwasan natin... kasi yung mga dramaramang yun ang mag-iiwas mismo sa'yo sa mas marami pang drama na darating kung patuloy na 'di iintindihin kung ano nga ba ang drama at bakit ito nagaganap.

Engot lang talaga ang matitigas ang ulo... 'di yun ha... at laging happy happy na lang ang hanap sa iba. Laging akala na 'di mauubusan... basta ba't laging meh six-pack o gluta na pang-akit.


Tulad ng dalawang magkaibang kabataan na napagtuunan ko ng pansin... peroho silang lumalangoy para sa isang pangarap na dulo.

Ang isa ay patuloy na nagpapatianod na lang sa kabila ng mangila-ngilan na ring karanasan at mga magagamit sanang aral... nangangarap na makarating na sa mga bisig ng inaasam na mangingibig sa pamamagitan ng prinsipyong bahala na, basta in love... umaasang makamit ang isang pusong mag-aalay anumang kundisyon ang gusto niya habang wala namang handang itaya para rito.

Ang isa nama'y binibilang at tinatala ang kada-isang maliliit man o malalaking pilat sa ngalan ng pakikipagsapalaran para sa mithing pag-ibig... tinatanggap ng maluwag sa sarili ang bawat nakikilalang karakter ng sariling pagkatao... handang humarap sa sinumang mangagahas na umibig na walang itatago... yung ako ito, 'di perpekto pero bukas ng maigi ang mga mata ang isip... mas handang harapin ang marami pang kumplikasyon na kakabit ng pakikipagrelasyon... mas kaya kong ibigin ka ng rasyunal at buumpuso.

Hooking Up 101 #1: ONLINE

(This is just the first of a series so watch out for more of these to come. You may also want to add more to the list, feel free to post on the comments section.)


When you're looking for a hook up in let's say... PR... and you decided to start the ball rolling by sending a message to a guy you like in the gallery... and the guy replies... but only giving you his number and not a sentence or even a 'hi!' with it...

...that more or less means... he just wants to have a one time only sex.

So the moral of the story is that... should you go for it... of course, protect yourself (duh!)... don't expect anything more than that... and don't you DARE turn chmmy chummy... you're only going to humiliate yourself to him... and worse to your worst critic... yourself.

Aaaahhhy... promise!


Now, if suddenly... something unexpected happens... like he talks to you and asks more about you as a person... like he suddenly likes you... then consider that as just a bonus. Again, don't start making assumptions... 'di ka 'Assumtion-ista'. LOL

Let him display more solid gestures to prove your building up theory and then, that's the time you reciprocate. Okay?


The higher moral of the story (hahah)... is to learn how to always keep your expectations low... not only on the aspect of dating... but on everything in life.


less expectations... less disappointment.