All along I thought there's this recurring problem with my sink.
That it stinks when the weather's hot for some reason. So i put different stuff to solve the problem.
I thought if the stink comes from organic stuff stuck somewhere in the pipeline,
I'll just have to dissolve it and the odor problem is also solved.
Now, this just made me remember how long I've been having this problem... because I remember my Ex.
Not that stinking has anything to do with remembering him. In fact, he's one of those rare beings who don't have B.O..
Yes, honestly, even after gym or out in the sun, he doesn't freaking have B.O.
Imagine that. No need for Deodorants and saving all the budget for it.
I wonder how much that would add up in say 30 years.
But back the topic...
Yeah, we even discussed it several times before. And how we'll deal with it.
This problem, i recall, began during this year's summer.
The Ex was still around, of course.
But after months of wondering and some hundreds of pesos spent on liquid whatever to pour down my sink's drain,
i just found out that me and my sink have always been in good terms.
That for as long as i don't dump anything nasty in it,
it won't give me clogs and stinky smells.
Damn, I realize that my sink and I got much better relationship than me and my Ex.
The real culprit for the stink... i found just out... comes from the unit downstairs.
You see, our building has this firewall that doubles as a ventilating system.
When my windows open and my neighbor's too, the air flows either downward or going up to my unit.
The first floor units have access to this small space between the back of their units and the firewall.
They use it as an extra space for cooking or storage or laundry area when it's rainy.
But in my downstairs neighbor's case, they use it as an area where they keep recyclables and all sorts of trash.
Yes, thanks to the fruit flies that have started migrating to my unit
and the sounds of mice i recall earlier that i hear at night sometimes down there.
I followed the trail of the flies and noticed finally that they're coming from my windows over the sink.
I tried to peek downstairs but before I even see anything, there...
I smell the familiar stink.
I've been doing work since this morning -reading chicklit books that i'll have to re-write and write interestingly for TV
but I'm distracted now of how to approach the downstairs neighbors without offending them even in the slightest.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Was I Offended?
Went out to buy some cigarettes last night when I realized i'm out of 'em.
Walked in to this kid whom i already encountered and acted weird twice before. I used to think he feels like a 'siga' who thought he could try scaring me and failed. 'Coz I'm not bluffing but... I can beat the shit out of him any given day.
But last night, he was at it again. He was seated on the gutter when i was approaching. He stood up and walked almost straight at me, then turned away in time before he's inches away from colliding onto me.
I asked him if he's got a problem.
He did not respond nor look back after walking past me. I decided to keep walking.
By the time I was headed back, he was walking with two other teens -a guy and a girl. Again, he did exactly what he just did when i first passed by but this time, he whispered to me...
'chupa?'.
But again, he kept walking with his friends like nothing happened as I turned around to face him. My instant reaction was to retaliate.
You see, when I was very young, I always loved a good fight. This would've been exciting for me. It was my personal secret when I was this annoying teenager's age.
Creeps me sometimes when I remember how I used to feel nice when I get violent. But of course, the 'adult me' today understands that I had a very troubled youth.
So, going back, my impulse at least wanted a word battle, and see what happens next.
I said, 'Ako kaya chupain mo? Pusta ako, mas malaki 'to? Sino tingin mo sa sarili mo?'
He did not react, nor his friends.
When i got back home, I told my friend Jed, who was staying for the night, about what just happened. She told me that my lines were too long. And I should've spat out just a good one-liner.
It was only then that I realized that the incident made me feel offended. Asked myself if I somehow look like I'd pay any cock-bearing creature regardless if they're hunk or toothless. I scratched my beard -which I actually have now because I've been too tired of doing a lot things while I was down with fever and flu for 2 weeks, and I thought how in the world would the guy even dare think of crossing me when most of the time, people get scared of me when I have beard.
I told my friend Jed that i'll take her suggestion the next time i cross paths with the kid. And later added that I also wished I should've told the kid 'you can't afford me' instead.
That would have been a nice move to turn the tables.
I also told Jed that as much as I was feeling offended, It felt weirdly good because I rarely get offended.
It felt humanizing.
While laughing, she told me, I'm weird and I should decide if I was offended or if I enjoyed the encounter.
Walked in to this kid whom i already encountered and acted weird twice before. I used to think he feels like a 'siga' who thought he could try scaring me and failed. 'Coz I'm not bluffing but... I can beat the shit out of him any given day.
But last night, he was at it again. He was seated on the gutter when i was approaching. He stood up and walked almost straight at me, then turned away in time before he's inches away from colliding onto me.
I asked him if he's got a problem.
He did not respond nor look back after walking past me. I decided to keep walking.
By the time I was headed back, he was walking with two other teens -a guy and a girl. Again, he did exactly what he just did when i first passed by but this time, he whispered to me...
'chupa?'.
But again, he kept walking with his friends like nothing happened as I turned around to face him. My instant reaction was to retaliate.
You see, when I was very young, I always loved a good fight. This would've been exciting for me. It was my personal secret when I was this annoying teenager's age.
Creeps me sometimes when I remember how I used to feel nice when I get violent. But of course, the 'adult me' today understands that I had a very troubled youth.
So, going back, my impulse at least wanted a word battle, and see what happens next.
I said, 'Ako kaya chupain mo? Pusta ako, mas malaki 'to? Sino tingin mo sa sarili mo?'
He did not react, nor his friends.
When i got back home, I told my friend Jed, who was staying for the night, about what just happened. She told me that my lines were too long. And I should've spat out just a good one-liner.
It was only then that I realized that the incident made me feel offended. Asked myself if I somehow look like I'd pay any cock-bearing creature regardless if they're hunk or toothless. I scratched my beard -which I actually have now because I've been too tired of doing a lot things while I was down with fever and flu for 2 weeks, and I thought how in the world would the guy even dare think of crossing me when most of the time, people get scared of me when I have beard.
I told my friend Jed that i'll take her suggestion the next time i cross paths with the kid. And later added that I also wished I should've told the kid 'you can't afford me' instead.
That would have been a nice move to turn the tables.
I also told Jed that as much as I was feeling offended, It felt weirdly good because I rarely get offended.
It felt humanizing.
While laughing, she told me, I'm weird and I should decide if I was offended or if I enjoyed the encounter.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Paying It Forward (sharing the lessons to the young)
The internet connection was hell the last several days, so i just read all my messages from other sites. One in particular warmed my heart. And i composed a reply right away. But when i sent it, i discovered that the user already erased his account.
I thought I'd just share my message to him to everyone and hope some could find some use of it.
-----------------------------------------
PR user (not his handle)
20. Jul. 2014 - 15:30
Good afternoon bro! are you also looking for partner? I am Mike, is it okay to get your number #? if we are on the same boat, i mean if you are looking for partner too.
Wish you're the man i'm looking for. I'm a I.T. guy along Ayala Ave
(ME)
hey there.
whoa, heavy stuff there. hahah
cheer up.
you know what, of course i'd love to have a genuinely working relationship someday too but i'm not hurrying.
actually, one just ended a couple of months ago and i'm still in that annoying phase. you know what i mean.
anyway, it's flattering what you're offering and you're cute. :-)
i guess we could hang out, it's all i can offer honestly.
but i know we'll get along. i'm great around guys like you.
hey, now... you know, people shouldn't ask for a partner. it doesn't happen that way. we shouldn't rush in, it doesn't work that way either.
you know, you're so young and aggressive and wanting to discover a lot of things.
that includes all the sexual politics.
don't hurry. believe me, there's nothing to rush into. relationships are just like everything else. it arrives at a plateau.
yeah, that's the truth. again, you're young and you're bound to make a lot of failures. it's natural. nobody escapes that.
just let yourself receive 'em. but always learn from them. it's their gift. treat it as the yang for the yin.
so go out, date, have sex (safe sex of course), get into an affair, but put no pressure.
just experience it and let it guide you on how to go about it. controlling never works,
i promise you that. be ready to exchange compromises in time. get to know people, different people.
learn how to listen more, it guides you with what and how to talk... like 'really' talk.
there's no 'perfect partner' or the 'right one'. i think you already know that.
whoever it is you are with, you both should make efforts to be deserving of each other.
that's how 'the right one' is born.
if only one puts up the effort, it's bound to get ugly before the affair expires.
and if it doesn't work out even with little efforts just let it go. then move on.
just always think that in the end, you'd still be the better guy put up efforts and unafraid of it. our hearts are big enough to do that.
we'll never run out of love to share. so, don't be jaded. always give what you can.
it's not all that bad. we are all part of a give and receive world. and demanding to receive comes with a price so, you should learn exactly when and how to do it.
if it's not really right to demand (and you'll feel it isn't. just be true to your self)... DON'T! just let go.
after experiencing all these, the product is a better more mature and prepared lover.
and then, you'll realize they suddenly just gravitate to you. and because you'd be wiser by then you'll know who is the better one to try grow a potential relationship with.
so, for now... just chill. ride with the waves, you're driving in the fast lane.
go with the flow and let it take you places.
guys like you...? you got better chances to become 'a beautiful partner'. you're honest. unafraid of getting your feelings into the open. it means you're open to exchanges.
and always, an open minded person will have a lot of advantages compared to the rest.
stay that way. and stay charming. keep smiling even if you just have to. that's how genuinely tough people do it.
have a fine day Mr. Romantic.
thanks for making me smile too.
I thought I'd just share my message to him to everyone and hope some could find some use of it.
-----------------------------------------
PR user (not his handle)
20. Jul. 2014 - 15:30
Good afternoon bro! are you also looking for partner? I am Mike, is it okay to get your number #? if we are on the same boat, i mean if you are looking for partner too.
Wish you're the man i'm looking for. I'm a I.T. guy along Ayala Ave
(ME)
hey there.
whoa, heavy stuff there. hahah
cheer up.
you know what, of course i'd love to have a genuinely working relationship someday too but i'm not hurrying.
actually, one just ended a couple of months ago and i'm still in that annoying phase. you know what i mean.
anyway, it's flattering what you're offering and you're cute. :-)
i guess we could hang out, it's all i can offer honestly.
but i know we'll get along. i'm great around guys like you.
hey, now... you know, people shouldn't ask for a partner. it doesn't happen that way. we shouldn't rush in, it doesn't work that way either.
you know, you're so young and aggressive and wanting to discover a lot of things.
that includes all the sexual politics.
don't hurry. believe me, there's nothing to rush into. relationships are just like everything else. it arrives at a plateau.
yeah, that's the truth. again, you're young and you're bound to make a lot of failures. it's natural. nobody escapes that.
just let yourself receive 'em. but always learn from them. it's their gift. treat it as the yang for the yin.
so go out, date, have sex (safe sex of course), get into an affair, but put no pressure.
just experience it and let it guide you on how to go about it. controlling never works,
i promise you that. be ready to exchange compromises in time. get to know people, different people.
learn how to listen more, it guides you with what and how to talk... like 'really' talk.
there's no 'perfect partner' or the 'right one'. i think you already know that.
whoever it is you are with, you both should make efforts to be deserving of each other.
that's how 'the right one' is born.
if only one puts up the effort, it's bound to get ugly before the affair expires.
and if it doesn't work out even with little efforts just let it go. then move on.
just always think that in the end, you'd still be the better guy put up efforts and unafraid of it. our hearts are big enough to do that.
we'll never run out of love to share. so, don't be jaded. always give what you can.
it's not all that bad. we are all part of a give and receive world. and demanding to receive comes with a price so, you should learn exactly when and how to do it.
if it's not really right to demand (and you'll feel it isn't. just be true to your self)... DON'T! just let go.
after experiencing all these, the product is a better more mature and prepared lover.
and then, you'll realize they suddenly just gravitate to you. and because you'd be wiser by then you'll know who is the better one to try grow a potential relationship with.
so, for now... just chill. ride with the waves, you're driving in the fast lane.
go with the flow and let it take you places.
guys like you...? you got better chances to become 'a beautiful partner'. you're honest. unafraid of getting your feelings into the open. it means you're open to exchanges.
and always, an open minded person will have a lot of advantages compared to the rest.
stay that way. and stay charming. keep smiling even if you just have to. that's how genuinely tough people do it.
have a fine day Mr. Romantic.
thanks for making me smile too.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Eight Months In Summary
I never invited you in my life.
You barged in proudly, convincing me you were madly in love with me.
I asked how, since you barely knew me.
You said what everybody would always say -I don't know, i just love you.
True, you did put up a great effort to win me.
The cynic stepped aside and i welcomed you in heart.
But before the honeymoon even started, you told me that you already got a partner.
15 years to be exact, it was like a big joke of the universe on me.
I was caught between "at least he's honest" and "fuck you(to me) bitch,
you told yourself you're never going to do to another what your Ex and his bitch did to you".
Did you ever really realize how hard that decision was for me, huh?
I told you so many times, reiterated what committing to you would mean to me.
You manifested your love through physical and material expression.
I did my best to connect deeply with you emotionally.
I provoked you. Pushed you to the limit.
I wanted to teach you that the bad days are as important as the good ones.
You cried. You coward.
You said you aren't used to confrontations and that you'll only turn away from them.
Took your hand, led you deeper into my world.
Wanted you to realize that there's a much wider, more promising world waiting outside your overdue past.
Your door remained shut, though you hope trinkets and stories of your home would suffice.
You cling on desperately to your comforts and your fears, leaving me standing still outside your heart.
You always cried.
I speak only the truth.
In a three-way street, one is bound to get hurt, i kept telling you.
That was me, saying I'm still like everyone else, scared of getting hurt.
You only kept making promises, grand plans.
Kept repeating your lines -I Love You More.
I kept an open mind in the best that i can.
Told myself to be practical and feel you for as long as it's bound to last.
My fear was growing as i knew you were drifting away.
And you didn't even feel you were.
You could have been more brave.
You could have made firm decisions and proved to me you did love me more.
I tried the utmost to understand the wholeness of you.
You wanted more from me, we both knew that's impossible.
You were pulling me towards my breaking point, but that's something i cannot allow.
Never anymore will i go there, you very well know that.
Still i gently held your hand and hoped you'd meet me halfway.
I've already crossed the border way too far.
I couldn't move one more step baby.
You should have moved towards me for a change.
And there you are now, across the sea.
You didn't even have the strength to tell me honestly.
You didn't even have the nerve to say goodbye to me in person.
You abandoned me and you expect me not to nag about it?
I tried so hard to be cool.
Because i fucking knew exactly what i allowed myself to get into in the first place.
Now that I've confirmed my deepest fears of you.
You don't even bother to offer a single brief response?
Where's that lover now who competed with me on who loved who more?
Where's that guy who sworn, cried and assured me that i'm not his rebound?
I guess we're down to the final score now.
I loved you more... or more likely, i was the only one truly, sincerely, wholeheartedly in love.
You barged in proudly, convincing me you were madly in love with me.
I asked how, since you barely knew me.
You said what everybody would always say -I don't know, i just love you.
True, you did put up a great effort to win me.
The cynic stepped aside and i welcomed you in heart.
But before the honeymoon even started, you told me that you already got a partner.
15 years to be exact, it was like a big joke of the universe on me.
I was caught between "at least he's honest" and "fuck you(to me) bitch,
you told yourself you're never going to do to another what your Ex and his bitch did to you".
Did you ever really realize how hard that decision was for me, huh?
I told you so many times, reiterated what committing to you would mean to me.
You manifested your love through physical and material expression.
I did my best to connect deeply with you emotionally.
I provoked you. Pushed you to the limit.
I wanted to teach you that the bad days are as important as the good ones.
You cried. You coward.
You said you aren't used to confrontations and that you'll only turn away from them.
Took your hand, led you deeper into my world.
Wanted you to realize that there's a much wider, more promising world waiting outside your overdue past.
Your door remained shut, though you hope trinkets and stories of your home would suffice.
You cling on desperately to your comforts and your fears, leaving me standing still outside your heart.
You always cried.
I speak only the truth.
In a three-way street, one is bound to get hurt, i kept telling you.
That was me, saying I'm still like everyone else, scared of getting hurt.
You only kept making promises, grand plans.
Kept repeating your lines -I Love You More.
I kept an open mind in the best that i can.
Told myself to be practical and feel you for as long as it's bound to last.
My fear was growing as i knew you were drifting away.
And you didn't even feel you were.
You could have been more brave.
You could have made firm decisions and proved to me you did love me more.
I tried the utmost to understand the wholeness of you.
You wanted more from me, we both knew that's impossible.
You were pulling me towards my breaking point, but that's something i cannot allow.
Never anymore will i go there, you very well know that.
Still i gently held your hand and hoped you'd meet me halfway.
I've already crossed the border way too far.
I couldn't move one more step baby.
You should have moved towards me for a change.
And there you are now, across the sea.
You didn't even have the strength to tell me honestly.
You didn't even have the nerve to say goodbye to me in person.
You abandoned me and you expect me not to nag about it?
I tried so hard to be cool.
Because i fucking knew exactly what i allowed myself to get into in the first place.
Now that I've confirmed my deepest fears of you.
You don't even bother to offer a single brief response?
Where's that lover now who competed with me on who loved who more?
Where's that guy who sworn, cried and assured me that i'm not his rebound?
I guess we're down to the final score now.
I loved you more... or more likely, i was the only one truly, sincerely, wholeheartedly in love.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Searching For His Face
Woke up so late because I felt like I didn't want to... for as long as I can stay asleep and dreaming.
When I finally did, that sweet sweet feeling of being wrapped in an embrace filled with genuine love and affection still lingered like a heavy dose of wine. I was still so intoxicated.
It felt like being born and crying for the warmth and care and safety of the womb. But I felt my own tears fell because I knew I can't go back to that wonderful dream.
In the last few moments of it, I desperately tried to remember his face. It was just a dream. And in the dream he was a ghost who loved me beyond life.
It was so wonderful that being loved there by a ghost was more real than reality has offered me in years.
Then, in that brief moment when i surrendered to my rational, i realized that I wept because I lost the one who crossed logic and reality and into my subconscious to embrace me and make me feel his love.
I got up. I mourned.
When I finally did, that sweet sweet feeling of being wrapped in an embrace filled with genuine love and affection still lingered like a heavy dose of wine. I was still so intoxicated.
It felt like being born and crying for the warmth and care and safety of the womb. But I felt my own tears fell because I knew I can't go back to that wonderful dream.
In the last few moments of it, I desperately tried to remember his face. It was just a dream. And in the dream he was a ghost who loved me beyond life.
It was so wonderful that being loved there by a ghost was more real than reality has offered me in years.
Then, in that brief moment when i surrendered to my rational, i realized that I wept because I lost the one who crossed logic and reality and into my subconscious to embrace me and make me feel his love.
I got up. I mourned.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
SEX MESSAGES
(06.20.13/Thu)
Playing Macy Gray on my laptop as I take a break after finishing the laundry, I began thinking how long it’s been since I heard her song “Why Didn’t You Call Me”. Missed it so much I looped it so I can sing along, again and again.
For a while, I drifted into thinking about a story concept (for work) based on the song. But after failing to do so, I began checking my phone to look at the photos of the 24 year old(well, 25 now) guy I was seeing for a few months. Yes, the guy from last blog entry… yes, the super sexy and sweet… and goofy guy… with tats.
In my subconscious it might have been my reaction to the song… to be reminded of… let’s call him ‘babe’…the endearment he wanted to start with me when he was still hoping we could be romantic… because he suddenly just stopped calling and texting and even skipping the part of telling me he’s no longer interested to keep our intimate affair.
Yeah, the thing with babe’s already ended. I’ve been conscious of it from the exact moment that he realized he’s gotten over me.
How?
Man, let me tell you about SEX MESSAGES… in case you’re not aware of it yet.
Having sex is like looking at sparrows flying in all directions… chaotic… if you’re not reading the messages you may actually receive.Ifyou only take the time to intercept them, you may just get a helpful idea of what you’re going to… getting into… gotten into.
There are many different meanings to sex. The most common people know of is NEED SEX. It’s just plain unadulterated sex due to sexual urge. There’s HONEY SEX (as I call it) which is your pure lovey-dovey love making with the apple of your eyes. And yes, there’s ENTRY SEX too… for those who are taking the extra effort of doing it because they’re silently asking for a romantic possibility.
Also, one common addition to the Sex-itionary is MAKE UP SEX. You, know the one that comes with a feeling of guilt… either to end a lovers quarrel or to make up for the quality time that’s not coming very often anymore.
But there are way too many meanings to sex… some are to establish a status… some are to impart an emotional appeal.
But… it was EXIT SEX that told me, there’s just going to be one more… if not no more sex… after that last night that babe and I everdid it.
It was his EXIT SEX. Need I explain the obvious?
And perhaps, it was what’s in the back of my mind when I was listening to the song earlier. Not because I didn’t know it was coming. Like I said, I knew that after we consummated that last one, he was going to realize… if he hasn’t yet… that he’s ready to move on.
But maybe I connected the song to babe’s exit sex because no matter how aware I was of it… it still felt like I got abandoned.
You see, a week before it… I invited him to join me… if he was game with it… to a colleague’s place because I was asked to design and decorate an ‘arko’ for his niece who’s participating as a ‘reyna’ in a sagala. Babe was so cute helping out even when we were already soaking in the late afternoon rain and rushing to finish it up for the evening parade.
All the while he was excited and announcing to me and my colleague and his partner that he’s taking me out to ‘the first date’. I just kept quiet.
The following week, we ate at a weekend outdoor dining at Trinoma. But something unpleasant happened to him that same day that made him feel the extreme opposite of what he was feeling the whole week. I’m no longer going to share what it was.
But anyway… he looked so sad and super cute at the same time. It made me feel mushy too and I did my best to lift up his spirits back all the way to my studio apartment.
He was so quiet all the time so I played the talker. He went to bed early and slept with a heavy heart. Again, I wanted to be the good team player so I woke him up with all my sexual prowess. Whew!
But something else was there… something totally disconnected to what he was feeling before he went to sleep. And I easily recognized it as his EXIT SEX. Quite a surprise to me though… like an unexpected twist in a film that’s just established a romantic scene… but I accepted it.
I knew it was going to come sooner or later anyway. He came thrice that night.
How did I know it was exit sex then?
It didn’t go as usual for us. After more than 2 months of seeing each other, I was already familiar with how we go about in bed. He was always an eager participant. But that night, he didn’t even bother to return the pleasures.
Two possible reasons were in my mind. He’s just drained and feeling very low… or he’s over me. The second one was thicker, my instincts told me.
And as expected, more of the unusual followed. Not communication. Zero.
So, another week after… I took the effort to ask how he’s been and all. He said he went home to his family in Laguna to spend the weekend… which he normally would rather spend with me even when I tell him to spend some weekends with his family too.
I asked if there’s something he might want to tell me? He said, there’s nothing, really. I asked him if there was something that I did that offended him. He said we’re good.
That said… I confirmed he really was in transition. I understood it, in fact, really. But somehow, the whole situation made me feel ‘nabitin sa ere’.
After several correspondences in the span of a week (or so) I finally made him talk. He said that he realized he just wanted to move on ‘without the drama’. Thus, the whole dramatic mystery of the sudden loss of the communication.
I replied by saying that no drama really has to happen… not with a guy like me. All he had to do was give me the score. And it’s as if he didn’t know me at all to think that I’d make a big deal out of it. So, he apologized. I said, it’s okay and I perfectly understand the way he acted.
But I also told him that he may have been thinking that what he did was just okay with me because I’ve always been the one who played things casually. I wanted to correct that impression at least… even when we’re no longer going to be as close as before… I told him that the difference was that I may have been brutally honest and frank about the way I would like us to be right from the beginning… but for him to leave me hanging on mid-air with a big question… was not very mature and fair.
I knew then, he realized what I said. He sincerely apologized.
Today, he’s pursuing a guy at work. He told me that he thinks that the guy’s a BF material… which is someone he really wanted from the start. And I encourage him but also keep him open-minded.
I’ve been meeting other guys too since then… even had my own EXIT SEX with a guy I was seeing before I started seeing babe.
But somehow… even when I’m aware of the different warning signs… parting ways with someone… no matter how casual the affair is… is sad.
Yes, there’s the matter of having gotten used to being intimate with just that one person… and the routine you both have already established… but also, there’s the already familiar calm… warmth… comfort… even some sense of security… that you will also have to learn to undo.
I remember the last time we texted, he told me that I should really try harder to get over the trauma of my last relationship. I told him, it’s really not about that anymore. My case now is a matter of waiting patiently for the right time. I’m still burned out and I admit it. And I got to be wiser about who I choose to spend years again with because if I make another big mistake, I won’t be so young anymore and the chances of finding the real ideal partner would be much bleaker. Told him that he may not fully grasp what I was telling him today but in time he will.
I told him that he shouldn’t take that as like I was saying he’s not ideal. Many times before I kept telling him, he’s a rare catch… only, not for me. That he should see it like if there’s a 16-year-old who wants to have a relationship with him…how would he accept that possibility?
It’s really all about the differences in sensibilities and interests. That I was always going to keep in mind not to fall in love with him no matter how loveable he was because right now, he might be thinking that he’s never going to want anything more than I could share with him but in time… his age will succeed and the need to explore and experience will arise… and he will heed to it.
I told him that I’ve already trained myself to be content on what is only possible in my situation. That sometimes nice sweet guys like him happen and eventually go and sometimes there will only be fleeting intimate moments for a guy like me. Okey lang din.
I still miss the bastard though, but I know I’m already fine alone. I miss HONEY SEX, I realize but right now… at least I could use some NEED SEX.
Playing Macy Gray on my laptop as I take a break after finishing the laundry, I began thinking how long it’s been since I heard her song “Why Didn’t You Call Me”. Missed it so much I looped it so I can sing along, again and again.
For a while, I drifted into thinking about a story concept (for work) based on the song. But after failing to do so, I began checking my phone to look at the photos of the 24 year old(well, 25 now) guy I was seeing for a few months. Yes, the guy from last blog entry… yes, the super sexy and sweet… and goofy guy… with tats.
In my subconscious it might have been my reaction to the song… to be reminded of… let’s call him ‘babe’…the endearment he wanted to start with me when he was still hoping we could be romantic… because he suddenly just stopped calling and texting and even skipping the part of telling me he’s no longer interested to keep our intimate affair.
Yeah, the thing with babe’s already ended. I’ve been conscious of it from the exact moment that he realized he’s gotten over me.
How?
Man, let me tell you about SEX MESSAGES… in case you’re not aware of it yet.
Having sex is like looking at sparrows flying in all directions… chaotic… if you’re not reading the messages you may actually receive.Ifyou only take the time to intercept them, you may just get a helpful idea of what you’re going to… getting into… gotten into.
There are many different meanings to sex. The most common people know of is NEED SEX. It’s just plain unadulterated sex due to sexual urge. There’s HONEY SEX (as I call it) which is your pure lovey-dovey love making with the apple of your eyes. And yes, there’s ENTRY SEX too… for those who are taking the extra effort of doing it because they’re silently asking for a romantic possibility.
Also, one common addition to the Sex-itionary is MAKE UP SEX. You, know the one that comes with a feeling of guilt… either to end a lovers quarrel or to make up for the quality time that’s not coming very often anymore.
But there are way too many meanings to sex… some are to establish a status… some are to impart an emotional appeal.
But… it was EXIT SEX that told me, there’s just going to be one more… if not no more sex… after that last night that babe and I everdid it.
It was his EXIT SEX. Need I explain the obvious?
And perhaps, it was what’s in the back of my mind when I was listening to the song earlier. Not because I didn’t know it was coming. Like I said, I knew that after we consummated that last one, he was going to realize… if he hasn’t yet… that he’s ready to move on.
But maybe I connected the song to babe’s exit sex because no matter how aware I was of it… it still felt like I got abandoned.
You see, a week before it… I invited him to join me… if he was game with it… to a colleague’s place because I was asked to design and decorate an ‘arko’ for his niece who’s participating as a ‘reyna’ in a sagala. Babe was so cute helping out even when we were already soaking in the late afternoon rain and rushing to finish it up for the evening parade.
All the while he was excited and announcing to me and my colleague and his partner that he’s taking me out to ‘the first date’. I just kept quiet.
The following week, we ate at a weekend outdoor dining at Trinoma. But something unpleasant happened to him that same day that made him feel the extreme opposite of what he was feeling the whole week. I’m no longer going to share what it was.
But anyway… he looked so sad and super cute at the same time. It made me feel mushy too and I did my best to lift up his spirits back all the way to my studio apartment.
He was so quiet all the time so I played the talker. He went to bed early and slept with a heavy heart. Again, I wanted to be the good team player so I woke him up with all my sexual prowess. Whew!
But something else was there… something totally disconnected to what he was feeling before he went to sleep. And I easily recognized it as his EXIT SEX. Quite a surprise to me though… like an unexpected twist in a film that’s just established a romantic scene… but I accepted it.
I knew it was going to come sooner or later anyway. He came thrice that night.
How did I know it was exit sex then?
It didn’t go as usual for us. After more than 2 months of seeing each other, I was already familiar with how we go about in bed. He was always an eager participant. But that night, he didn’t even bother to return the pleasures.
Two possible reasons were in my mind. He’s just drained and feeling very low… or he’s over me. The second one was thicker, my instincts told me.
And as expected, more of the unusual followed. Not communication. Zero.
So, another week after… I took the effort to ask how he’s been and all. He said he went home to his family in Laguna to spend the weekend… which he normally would rather spend with me even when I tell him to spend some weekends with his family too.
I asked if there’s something he might want to tell me? He said, there’s nothing, really. I asked him if there was something that I did that offended him. He said we’re good.
That said… I confirmed he really was in transition. I understood it, in fact, really. But somehow, the whole situation made me feel ‘nabitin sa ere’.
After several correspondences in the span of a week (or so) I finally made him talk. He said that he realized he just wanted to move on ‘without the drama’. Thus, the whole dramatic mystery of the sudden loss of the communication.
I replied by saying that no drama really has to happen… not with a guy like me. All he had to do was give me the score. And it’s as if he didn’t know me at all to think that I’d make a big deal out of it. So, he apologized. I said, it’s okay and I perfectly understand the way he acted.
But I also told him that he may have been thinking that what he did was just okay with me because I’ve always been the one who played things casually. I wanted to correct that impression at least… even when we’re no longer going to be as close as before… I told him that the difference was that I may have been brutally honest and frank about the way I would like us to be right from the beginning… but for him to leave me hanging on mid-air with a big question… was not very mature and fair.
I knew then, he realized what I said. He sincerely apologized.
Today, he’s pursuing a guy at work. He told me that he thinks that the guy’s a BF material… which is someone he really wanted from the start. And I encourage him but also keep him open-minded.
I’ve been meeting other guys too since then… even had my own EXIT SEX with a guy I was seeing before I started seeing babe.
But somehow… even when I’m aware of the different warning signs… parting ways with someone… no matter how casual the affair is… is sad.
Yes, there’s the matter of having gotten used to being intimate with just that one person… and the routine you both have already established… but also, there’s the already familiar calm… warmth… comfort… even some sense of security… that you will also have to learn to undo.
I remember the last time we texted, he told me that I should really try harder to get over the trauma of my last relationship. I told him, it’s really not about that anymore. My case now is a matter of waiting patiently for the right time. I’m still burned out and I admit it. And I got to be wiser about who I choose to spend years again with because if I make another big mistake, I won’t be so young anymore and the chances of finding the real ideal partner would be much bleaker. Told him that he may not fully grasp what I was telling him today but in time he will.
I told him that he shouldn’t take that as like I was saying he’s not ideal. Many times before I kept telling him, he’s a rare catch… only, not for me. That he should see it like if there’s a 16-year-old who wants to have a relationship with him…how would he accept that possibility?
It’s really all about the differences in sensibilities and interests. That I was always going to keep in mind not to fall in love with him no matter how loveable he was because right now, he might be thinking that he’s never going to want anything more than I could share with him but in time… his age will succeed and the need to explore and experience will arise… and he will heed to it.
I told him that I’ve already trained myself to be content on what is only possible in my situation. That sometimes nice sweet guys like him happen and eventually go and sometimes there will only be fleeting intimate moments for a guy like me. Okey lang din.
I still miss the bastard though, but I know I’m already fine alone. I miss HONEY SEX, I realize but right now… at least I could use some NEED SEX.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Freaky Friday
Had a weird friday.
Nung umaga, inabot ako ng traffic sa Mindanao Ave at naka-idlip sa FX. Pagbaba ng SM North, diridiretso sa info counter para magpa-load. May beki at gel na humarap sakin habang nagpapa-load. Nagulat ako sa sinabi nung beki na sales guy, kamukha ko raw si Georgina Wilson. hahahaha
Palibhasa siguro nakatali ang buhok ko pataas at nakatulog ng kaunti, medyo puffy ang mata ko? Pero first time ko talaga na masabihang kamukha ko yung model though sanay na akong nasasabihang kamukha ni ganito ni ganyan o napagkakamalang kakilala nila. napaka-generic kasi ng itsura ko. hahahahah...
Nung pag-alis ko tuloy, napatingin ako sa glass panel ng body shop para tingnan kung may hawig nga. hahah
Tapos nung pa-taxi naman ako ng tanghali papunta sa Family Planning Organization of the Philippines, sabi ko sa west ang daan at alam ko na ang traffic ng lahat ng ruta. Alam ko na rin ang patak ng metro. ang kulit ng driver at nag-edsa, di pa nagkasya at sa morato pa talaga dadaan as if 'di nya alam kung gaano ka-traffic doon anumang oras. pumatak ng isandaan na kung tutuusin ay sa ganung patak dapat nasa gilmore na ako. syempre umakyat ang dugo ko sa ulo at hinintay sumbra ang patak dahil bababa ako at babayaran ng kulang ang litsugas na drayber.
imbis na convenience ang hinangad ko, lalo pa akong na-inconvenience at napagastos. sarap mambuntal!
Pagkarating ng gabi at pabalik na naman ng rutang SM North, akala ko nakasalubong ang isang kaybigan dahil sa tatoo sa leeg ng isang lalaki. syempre nung makitang hindi s'ya didiretso na sana ako. pero bumati at nagsalita ang lalaki. napalingon ako kung sinong kausap n'ya. sumabay sakin maglakad.
nakipagkilala. pasensya daw kung masyado s'yang forward. isip ko, sige okay lang. basahin ko at pustahin kung anong trip nun. pasok daw kami ng mall. sunod naman ako. thought, kaya ko naman siyang gulpihin kahit mas malaki sakin kung ano man.
syempre pa sumagi sa isip ko na talaga namang may asim din naman ako kahit paano. thought baka may gusto sakin at ang haba ng buhok ko. hahahaha. pero mas dalawa ang ipinupusta ko. gusto mag-trip o money boy.
turns out, money boy nga. nagtanong ba naman sakin kung ok na bang mag-KFC kami. kahit medyo expected, napa-'Ha?' pa rin ako. Ganun na ba ang itsura ko, matronang beki para lapitan ng money boys? NYAR!
Sabi ko, katatapos ko lang kumain. Sabi n'ya ah, ok... kung saan daw ba ang punta ko. Sabi ko, may imi-meet ako. Nag-sori s'ya 'di n'ya daw in-expect na may boyfriend ako. hahahah. sakay pa rin ako at 'di na lang nagkomento. sabi n'ya sige, una na raw s'ya at baka magalit ang syota ko.
Mixed ang effect sakin. Mukha rin ba akong imposibleng magka-syota? wow! at the same time, parang naawa tuloy ako dun sa guy. thought that he just wanted to have a meal.
but then again, i thought. he seems healthier than me and may good looks naman. kung yung pagha-hussle ang gusto n'ya, pwede naman s'yang mag-try mag-pink soft porn.
hahah
really weird day nung biyernes.
Nung umaga, inabot ako ng traffic sa Mindanao Ave at naka-idlip sa FX. Pagbaba ng SM North, diridiretso sa info counter para magpa-load. May beki at gel na humarap sakin habang nagpapa-load. Nagulat ako sa sinabi nung beki na sales guy, kamukha ko raw si Georgina Wilson. hahahaha
Palibhasa siguro nakatali ang buhok ko pataas at nakatulog ng kaunti, medyo puffy ang mata ko? Pero first time ko talaga na masabihang kamukha ko yung model though sanay na akong nasasabihang kamukha ni ganito ni ganyan o napagkakamalang kakilala nila. napaka-generic kasi ng itsura ko. hahahahah...
Nung pag-alis ko tuloy, napatingin ako sa glass panel ng body shop para tingnan kung may hawig nga. hahah
Tapos nung pa-taxi naman ako ng tanghali papunta sa Family Planning Organization of the Philippines, sabi ko sa west ang daan at alam ko na ang traffic ng lahat ng ruta. Alam ko na rin ang patak ng metro. ang kulit ng driver at nag-edsa, di pa nagkasya at sa morato pa talaga dadaan as if 'di nya alam kung gaano ka-traffic doon anumang oras. pumatak ng isandaan na kung tutuusin ay sa ganung patak dapat nasa gilmore na ako. syempre umakyat ang dugo ko sa ulo at hinintay sumbra ang patak dahil bababa ako at babayaran ng kulang ang litsugas na drayber.
imbis na convenience ang hinangad ko, lalo pa akong na-inconvenience at napagastos. sarap mambuntal!
Pagkarating ng gabi at pabalik na naman ng rutang SM North, akala ko nakasalubong ang isang kaybigan dahil sa tatoo sa leeg ng isang lalaki. syempre nung makitang hindi s'ya didiretso na sana ako. pero bumati at nagsalita ang lalaki. napalingon ako kung sinong kausap n'ya. sumabay sakin maglakad.
nakipagkilala. pasensya daw kung masyado s'yang forward. isip ko, sige okay lang. basahin ko at pustahin kung anong trip nun. pasok daw kami ng mall. sunod naman ako. thought, kaya ko naman siyang gulpihin kahit mas malaki sakin kung ano man.
syempre pa sumagi sa isip ko na talaga namang may asim din naman ako kahit paano. thought baka may gusto sakin at ang haba ng buhok ko. hahahaha. pero mas dalawa ang ipinupusta ko. gusto mag-trip o money boy.
turns out, money boy nga. nagtanong ba naman sakin kung ok na bang mag-KFC kami. kahit medyo expected, napa-'Ha?' pa rin ako. Ganun na ba ang itsura ko, matronang beki para lapitan ng money boys? NYAR!
Sabi ko, katatapos ko lang kumain. Sabi n'ya ah, ok... kung saan daw ba ang punta ko. Sabi ko, may imi-meet ako. Nag-sori s'ya 'di n'ya daw in-expect na may boyfriend ako. hahahah. sakay pa rin ako at 'di na lang nagkomento. sabi n'ya sige, una na raw s'ya at baka magalit ang syota ko.
Mixed ang effect sakin. Mukha rin ba akong imposibleng magka-syota? wow! at the same time, parang naawa tuloy ako dun sa guy. thought that he just wanted to have a meal.
but then again, i thought. he seems healthier than me and may good looks naman. kung yung pagha-hussle ang gusto n'ya, pwede naman s'yang mag-try mag-pink soft porn.
hahah
really weird day nung biyernes.
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